Hi Everyone!

I hope this email finds you well and that you are taking care of yourself and those you love this holiday season. For the last several years, this time of year has carried a shadow of loss for me. The story I was waiting to have published was an exploration of that loss—a wish fulfillment story about a teenage girl who breaks her grandpa out of a senior care facility and together they wrestle with what it means to live a meaningful, story-worthy life. Unfortunately, the story’s publication fell through, so I need to find another home for that piece.

In the meantime, I wanted to share a different story about loss that I absolutely love— “Second Chances” by Lesley Nneka Arimah (link to the story on The Toast). Arimah’s short story collection, What It Means When a Man Falls From the Sky, is surreal and wonderful, and this short story is no exception. In “Second Chances,” the narrator walks into a mattress store and is surprised to see her mother, who has been dead for 8 years. Her mother looks exactly as she did in an old photograph, and the narrator wonders why this version of her mother has come back to life. The narrator’s father and sister beg the narrator to enjoy this strange miracle, but the narrator cannot. Instead, she dwells on the mistakes of her past and the many ways she feels that she has disappointed her mother.

Throughout the story, Arimah gorgeously captures what it feels like to lose someone you love deeply and complexly. Losing someone close can come with a lot of unresolved and unanswerable questions, and “Second Chances” makes me wonder what would happen if I got an otherworldly second chance with some of the people I've lost.

For me, 2021 began with loss. A family member died suddenly and unexpectedly, and his death affected my life in ways I never imagined. In the months following his death, Brandon and I ended up with his pets, boxes of his records, and large pieces of his furniture. Slowly I watched his household fall apart as mine became the happy little family that I always wanted. Life with Brandon and Talla and Morley feels wonderful, but there’s a bittersweetness underneath it all. I sometimes wonder what my family member would say if I could talk to him now. I want to ask him why some records were in the wrong sleeves and why, with all the mismatched records, the Van Halen self-titled one is still missing. I wonder if he would enjoy watching Talla explore the dog park or if he would make fun of the fact that she sleeps in and hogs the bed (I’m pretty sure he would!). I wonder if he remembers what Morley was like as a kitten, and I hope that somehow he knows that I love her current curmudgeonliness.

I will just have to keep wondering, but wondering makes me feel more connected to who he was. And, as I was doing all this wondering, I noticed that I also feel a deep appreciation for the people I love who are still here. I am working on saying exactly what I feel about those people and reaching out when I can. And, as the new year begins, I want to make sure that I say “thank you” to those who support me . . . including you! Thank you for reading my newsletter! I hope I have more developments to share in the future and, regardless of what happens, I’m glad you’re here and I hope that you have a wonderful 2022 :)

Best wishes and happy new year!

Nicole