As the clock was pushing 3:15 in the afternoon, Susie’s mind was running through all that needed to be done once her job finally released her for the day and she could get to the really important stuff… the commute home, children, groceries, and the litany waiting for her at home.  She could feel the pressure and anxiety moving into the red zone. How would she get it all done and still be able to have some good moments with the kids?

Frank couldn’t believe what he was hearing pouring out of his daughter’s mouth. It sounded like disregard for him and denial of responsibility, all in a torrent of words. And the look on her face was pure hatred. Anger just exploded inside him like when the gas water heater had exploded last week. The flash of rage, the urge to just make her stop the outburst, and then the despair, hurt, and hopelessness that had been mounting from the past couple years.

We all have our moments of distress. It might be the overwhelm of all we have to do, the pressure of anger, the void of despair, or the weight of shame, sadness, tension or anxiety. 

The common struggle is what to do. What to do in the intensity of the moment of conflict, and also what to do over time to manage, get through it, and hopefully to have moments of relief and peace.

Finding relief and learning to cultivate peace is all about emotional regulation. This is a high-level brain skill that involves both "emergency response" action in the moment, and long-term habits that can lead to more calm over time. 

The 3 Rs: What do these actions and habits look like? How do we get better at regulating our own emotions? Author Sue Johnson, in her book Attachment Theory in Practice, calls this kind of emotional regulation “...a process of moving with and through an emotion...” How do we do that? The 3 Rs can help.

The Three Rs Process

There are really two phases in this process. Steps 1 and 2 are about us learning to regulate ourselves first (phase 1) so that we can respond instead of react. Step 3 is when we re-engage with our loved ones (phase 2) I call this one the clean up phase.

1 Regulate and Ground: The first battle is about the first milliseconds of the incident and is won through the regulate and ground phase. The key skills of regulate and ground are to PAUSE and BREATHE.  To do this, we can close our eye or look at a neutral spot and consciously activate our thinking brain by saying to ourselves: “Pause and Breathe.” 

We tell those around us that we need some time. This could look like saying “I need some time to process “ or “I need some time to think and calm down.”

2 - Reflect and Process: Take some time to sit quietly and journal. Try to identify your own emotions. This could be as little as 5 minutes. Consider a hot pen exercise (see link below) to move intense emotions through so you are not left "stuck" in them. You can also move your body by going for a walk or doing some other activity you enjoy.

3 - Re-engage and Respond: It’s really okay to wait 24 hours to re-engage and respond. The main point is to wait until we’re truly calm within our own body and mind and we’ve had a chance to identify our own emotions. Be thoughtful about the when and the how when you area ready to respond. If things get heated, you can return to step one, Regulate and Ground.

The key to this process is not to expect to do it perfectly right away, or to do it and expect an immediate transformation. It's about practicing the three Rs even if we do it imperfectly, and returning to it if we forget in the heat of the moment. Over time this leads to important shifts in the patterns of our interactions and can bring real relief and greater peace. It’s kind of like the difference between the outcome of a single battle versus the war that is won over many battles. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself as you practice.

If you are looking for support in shifting your approach to parenting in order to maximize your influence in your child’s life, improve your communication, create stronger, healthier connections, and generally have better family interactions, I would be happy to support you. 

Parent Coaching is key to making significant shifts in parenting. The Parent Coaching Class (PCC) provides support in a consistent, dependable, integrated way and is a cost-effective way to get support.

Parent Coaching Class is live, from your living room, each week:

• Online class meets weekly on Monday evenings at 5:30 PST

• Attend on your computer or other device from anywhere with good WiFi

• Classes are fully interactive with video and audio – in real time

• Ask questions, make comments, identify strategies

• Discuss questions, struggles, problems, and find strategies and solutions

• Each class has a topic relevant to parenting and how to make the shift into effective parenting

• Learn to think differently as a parent

• Get ongoing support to implement effective parenting tools

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Who can benefit?

​This is especially for the parent who feels lost in a measure of despair and confusion with a child who has a major challenge such as addiction, but it is not limited to these parents.  Any parent looking for a solidly research-based approach to parenting would benefit from this class. 

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Parents of teens will find support working through the quagmire and black clouds of “nothing seems to work” and find strategies and tools to maximize their influence and effectiveness as a parent.

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Parents of young children will find a road map for adjusting their parenting as their children grow into and through childhood, teenage, and young adult developmental stages.

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The bottom line:  If you want to make this shift, you won’t get it from reading a book.  You need consistent exposure to an approach that makes sense, support to keep at it even when it doesn’t appear to be working, and clear guidance on how to implement this healthier, more effective way of parenting.

Learn More: The Parent Coaching Class is made up of 16 lessons spread out over three topics. You can read a brief overview of the topics on our website here, and feel free to reach out with any questions.