Evil Witches #10: I know you

•   Greetings • 

I have a friend who was pregnant the same time as I was, both times. We share a ton about our lives because it’s easy to check in with someone who is going through what you are. Sometimes this type of relationship can get touchy when you realize you’re not exactly the same. But the more experienced I get the better I am at spotting when I am making somebody else’s thing about me-ow.


I would say right now the best part about my mom friend is that her 3 year old is as bad as mine is. They are both very adorable children, cute and clever and affectionate. But they are wearing us out. They get a lot more notes home from school than their older siblings did.

 

I can’t tell you how glad it makes me that my friend’s 3 year old is a pain in the ass like mine is. Also, her second child is a daughter whereas mine is a son, and I knew this already but it is a reassuring reminder that not all little girls are not always little angels who sit quietly with their hands folded.

 

Also? I used to maybe secretly judge parents who couldn’t get a grip on their kids. Then came along my 3 year old and I realized either it is either out of my hands what my kid is like, or I am a shit mom because I have a spicy 3 year old. But since I know my friend is an excellent mom, then it must be possible that there is a chance I am not total garbage.


Here’s to those other parents out there who are on your wavelength and more importantly, do not have kids who are angels 100% of the time.

 

~Claire

Health • The Slim Solution

Relationships • What's the most dramatic thing you've ever seen happen at a wedding?

"We were at a destination wedding in Mexico, and it was so hot the bride thought she was going to pass out in her tight-fitting dress. Also the swim up bar had blenders with pina coladas and margaritas and there were bees everywhere including in the blenders."

 

"The brother of the groom gave a speech about how the groom always outshone him with his handsomeness, popularity, charisma, better grades, better sports performance, and that he "always dated better girls," which was awkward as hell because the brother’s wife was standing right there, being the final butt of this no-longer-self-deprecating speech."

 

"I went to a wedding at a race track where the bride’s grandfather collapse and died from a heart attack but was then brought him back to life with a defibrillator. On top of that I hit a trifecta and won $800. Best wedding ever."

 

"At my husband’s cousin’s wedding her grandmother (on the other side of the family), who had been pounding drinks since just after the ceremony dropped dead on the dance floor, was revived, and came back to party more. Let’s just say it was an intense 15 minutes."

 

"At my father’s 4th wedding, I started laughing during the vows and had to leave the room because I couldn’t stop. Oops."

 

"There was also that time at my own wedding when my new SIL stormed up to me and told me I just made the worst mistake ever marrying her brother."

 

"At my own reception I downed 3 glasses of champagne after not eating all day, and then needed to scuttle to the bathroom where I carefully puked in my wedding dress. Then I hit the dance floor! Boot and rally, yo."

 

Food • #BforD

A Word From • A New Orleans Witch  

If you want to make travel plans for Mardi Gras 2020 this freebie came courtesy The Krewe of the Rolling Elvi, whose 2019 theme was "All Shook Up." 

Kids • It's agonizing to watch my kid...

“...put on a coat while wrestling with long sleeves. We will both die before spring."

 

“...tie his shoes. Oh my GOD can we ever get out of the house? But he's gotta learn, yada yada yada.”

 

“...climb stairs. I actually gave her butt a little shove yesterday. Get a move on, kid!”

 

“...spend 75 minutes to eat half a piece of toast.”

 

“...pick his nose and eat it right next to me like I’m not there.”

 

“...brush hair out of his eyes repeatedly and refuse barrette, rubber band, or hair brushing to get it out of his face.”

 

“...eat yogurt and granola with his fingers while the spoon sits idly by.”

 

“...drop their clothes on to the floor of the bathroom within one foot of the hamper.”

 

“...get dressed in a room where there are books. Apparently it's physically impossible to do anything other than sit bare-assed on the floor and read.”

 

Y R Spouses • Men.

• End Credits •

 

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This issue is brought to you by the two most common winter parka stains, car salt and makeup. Why bother washing it until spring? It'll just get dirty again.

 • One Witchy Thing •

"While you were out of the room Paul started scream-crying while we were wrestling because he stepped on a Lego and I was really happy. I was like 'Yes, let it hurt.'" 
 

— My husband. 

PO Box 6436 Evanston IL 60204

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