Have you ever wondered, how some couples 'just have it'?
When I meet couples that have been together 30, 40, 50 or more years and observe the relationship between them as positive and strong, I register that it has MUTUAL SUPPORT, TRUST, HONESTY, LOVE, AFFECTION and HUMOR, .... and I usually am in awe.
Don't we all dream of the 'happily ever after'?
However we often don't have the tools or the 'know how' to manifest it quite as such.
I for one know that my understanding of being IN relationship is still growing. I have now been married for 30 years and for too long I was often a 'nagging' wife that wanted this that or the other different in my husband. Mostly I said it nicely, and I thought that I had good ideas, but it still was critiquing. With that, naturally creating resentment and friction! - I often had the focus on HIM rather than myself. It's so much easier to focus on other than self, isn't it? However, it didn't get me anywhere really.
Shifts for better understanding, intimacy and general closeness usually happened when I did some introspection on what I was tense about and started to regulate my inner self, and only then (and only sometimes) express my process.
Secondly, I thought about what it is like to be in my husband's skin. As in attempting to see his viewpoint, instead of just my own. - Each time it creates a PAUSE and allows for more understanding and COMPASSION. Not only for the partner, but also for myself. By that I don't mean feeling sorry for myself or the partner but gaining a deeper understanding. Hence I can be present in a better way.
Another good tip is about being aware whether I am reactive to my husband or whether I respond mindfully. - The reactive is usually causing friction and causes often also a reaction from my husband = tension.
When responding after THINKING for a moment, I am more present and thus less often trigger tension in either of us.
So back to the above ingredients of a long-lasting, strong, positive relationship, MUTUAL SUPPORT, TRUST, HONESTY, LOVE, AFFECTION and HUMOR go a long way. I would also add COURAGE to be REAL to the mix. Authenticity is a superpower in all aspects of life!
If you are keen to read more, here is a link to an article: 'Getting off to a powerful Start' by the Couples Institute. It includes the following:
Effective change requires insight plus action. Action without insight is thoughtless. Insight without action is passivity. - If you want to create a win-win solution, you cannot hold a position that has caused your partner to lose in the past. (Bader/Pearson)
“To be a champ you have to believe in yourself when nobody else will.” ~ Sugar Ray Robinson, middleweight boxing champion, considered by many to be the best fighter in history, pound-for-pound.
https://www.couplesinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Getting-Off-to-a-Powerful-Start-Client-Handouts.pdf
With encouragement and love
Gabriela
