There are a lot of ways to establish your self-care. Today, I'm reaching out with one example of what it looks like to be "selfish", and how it actually benefits the people around you!
"You do you," is at the top of the list of my favorite Gen Z quotes. Not because I'm insensitive; quite the opposite. I identify with this quote because it's respectful of myself, and even more, it's respectful of everyone else in my life: yes, You.
There is mutual respect in an honest response to an ask. When you say yes when you mean yes, and say no when you mean no, there is no opportunity for resentment or anxiety to slip into the interaction.
The pros of answering inline with Your Truth are:
Authentic relationships.
Honoring your needs so you don't begin to harbor resentment or anxiety toward others.
When you say yes to something or someone, you feel it in your core, and you're able to offer yourself wholly to the event or interaction.
When you say no to something or someone, you also feel that in your core, and they feel it too! (Envision a time someone told you "no", and you knew it was the right answer!)
Eventually, the people in your circle learn to believe in your yesses and your no's. They recognize that when you say yes, you're 100% all IN; and when you say no, it's not because you're rejecting *them* it's because you're honoring the truth.
Some potential cons of answering inline with Your Truth are:
People may stop asking you to over book yourself.
You may find times of quiet - which may feel uncomfortable at first.
You could begin to put your own requests out to other people - granting them opportunities to give to you, as well.
You'll begin to notice how you enjoy giving of yourself; and you'll also notice how you don't enjoy giving of yourself.
How to be gracefully selfish, and how to help others do it too!
Envision a scenario:
You are very busy. You have a job, kids, you're on the PTO (or enter your preferred volunteer organization), and your kids are members of their own extracurriculars, but they don't drive yet, so you're responsible for moving them from point A to point B. You hardly have time to feed yourself throughout the day, let alone cook dinner for your family. Sitting down together has become a once-weekly event, if you're lucky. You're feeling overbooked. As you look at your calendar, you notice Friday is the only night your family is available to be together this week, and you're really looking forward to it. You've have games in mind or a movie, and you order a yummy take-out meal; you have bought the ingredients to bake cookies! You receive a text from a friend asking you to go out for a walk on Friday night. She says, "It's been a tough week. I need a friend, and some outdoors. You're all I've got."
How do you feel when you receive that text?
Does your solar plexus sink or does your heart soar?
What happens?
What do you choose to do?
And how does it feel to make that choice?
Often times, we feel we need to be there when we're asked to be there. We may feel we have to say yes to the friend. "She said I'm all she's got!" When you anchor into your body, ask yourself: Would this choice be for my friend? Would it put myself and my needs aside? If I chose to be with my friend Friday night, what am I saying no to? Will I be available to my friend 100%, or will there be a tinge of resentment?
Here's the kicker: YOUR FRIEND FEELS THE TRUTH TOO.
Have you ever been to dinner with a friend and it feels like they're only 40% involved in what's going on at the table? This is because they said Yes when they really meant No.
How to say no gracefully:
Reply to your friend: "I'm not able to meet you Friday night; but Saturday morning, I'm free while the kids are at soccer practice. Could that work for you?" (Giving another option that feels better to you is always a graceful response.)
Do not give reasons for your response. When you give reasons, that's inviting the other person to find loopholes and to challenge what your body has already told you. When they find loopholes, you may feel the need to defend your no. It's not necessary, and that causes anxiety.
It feels great to be the person everyone trusts to say yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no. When have your yes - they will trust they'll get you 100%! They also trust that when you say No, there's a good reason, and they actually, really, truly become okay with that.
It only takes a few times to make this shift! As long as you do it unwaveringly, your people will start to believe you without much effort on your part!
It's like magic.
If you find this difficult, schedule yourself a free consultation with yours truly so we can figure out why it's so hard.
Then you're selfish behaviors become truthful behaviors. And that serves everyone because no one feels that hint of resentment or anxiety.
Get out there and be so selfish that people know they can trust you.
