SETTING BOUNDARIES AT HOME:

Imagine yourself walking into a job without a job description. You have no idea what is expected of you. No idea of what success looks like. No idea of what happens if you make a mistake or fail. Are you starting to sweat a little? Is your chest tight? Has your breathing quickened?

This is what it feels like to be a child in a home without boundaries. For whatever reason, we have been conditioned to think of rules and boundaries as restrictive. In reality, they bring us more freedom without anxiousness. Boundaries are a kindness.

This month our masterclass will be focusing on helping each of us identify our own boundary setting styles with an opportunity to create new, more effective boundaries for those who are seeking firmer boundaries. For parents, we usually see one of five boundary styles:

• Permissive Pal: “My child and I are such good friends. Why won’t he listen to me?”
• Side-Stepping Slider: “Ugh, I am so overwhelmed! It is so hard to be consistent.”
• Dominant Dictator: “It is my way or the highway.”
• Democratic Diplomat: “I give my kids choices like you are supposed to, so why are they always pushing back?”
• Positive Parenting Partner: “As a family, our rules and expectations are clear. We give choices within those boundaries. We respect one another and work towards common solutions.”

Where do you see yourself in these styles? Which one is more like your family of origin? Our number one tip for families is to truly consider how you want to show up as a family, and then create the framework for everyone to be able to get there. If respect is a boundary in your family, be sure to paint the picture of what that looks like in your home, and what the immediate consequences will be for disrespect. With everyone on the same page, there is less time spent worrying or arguing and more time spent in love and joy.  

SETTING BOUNDARIES AT WORK:

We have all been in those meetings. You know the ones we are talking about. One person is taking all the oxygen out of the room. One person is terrified to respond. One person is being ignored. One person hurls passive aggressive comments. Everyone leaves frustrated and with very little accomplished.

Meetings with boundaries, or rules of engagement as we like to call them, feel totally different. These shared values are shown and communicated at the beginning of every meeting, so that individuals can hold themselves and each other accountable.

Here is an example of three Rules of Engagement that we use at The DH Effect before any class we teach:

• Assertiveness: We will speak our truth in a peaceful and confident way.
• Respect: We will not interrupt, tease, judge, or rescue one another.
• Trust: What is said here, stays here unless we have permission to share.
• Curiosity: We will ask questions with compassion and without judgement.

What we have found is that we are able to be authentic in our contributions because we feel safe to do so. As a result, we get to solutions faster because everyone knows ahead of time what behavior is expected. If someone is going against our rules of engagement, we quietly pull that person aside or private message them so they can become mindful. If someone is in need of more guidance, we set up time with them afterwards to clarify the purpose and expectations of behavior so that the conversation becomes a teachable moment. This has become a reliable and dependable process in creating positive experiences for our people. In fact, most of the time we are thanked for the opportunity for everyone to feel safe and grow together.

Want a little help doing this with your team? That’s what we do best! Contact us at thedheffect@gmail.com to schedule a discovery call for your company!

Our guest, Stephanie Rice, is proof that you may never know someone’s whole story. To friends she is considered a “joy builder” and a “hope dealer,” but behind her beautiful smile, she holds a huge secret as a result of years of hurt, pain and abuse. In fact, her trauma was so heavy to hold, she became “split” many ways to be able to hold the trauma and still function. Steph is a fully integrated Dissociative Identity Disorder survivor.

You will not want to miss this inspiring and raw conversation. Stephanie is breaking her silence today in hopes of sharing hope with a world in need.

We can heal.

We can find joy.

We can hold on to hope.