6 years ago I came out. 6 years ago I thought the hardest part of coming to terms with my sexuality was over. I was eager and excited to begin experiencing my firsts. My first romance, my first time wearing nail polish, my first time having sex, my first time in a club, my first dressing a little more queer, and my first time saying it aloud to the world. How young and naive was I? That was just the beginning and after coming out came an onslaught of challenges that I wasn’t aware I was going to have to learn and grow through.
In hindsight, that feels like the easiest part of it all. I was lucky and didn’t need to worry about what people would say but, that still didn’t prepare me for what I had to learn. All of a sudden I had to quickly learn a language of a world I was not particularly familiar with. I did learn things with some friends but most of it I had to learn alone. I wasn’t in a class of 50 newly out queers. No, I was a class of one. I was forging friendships with others who were on their individual path and I was finding mentors who I thought would be there to guide me through this world.
As I go through my queer curriculum, the firsts that I dreamt of experiencing would happen differently. Like having sex for the first time. It wasn’t this romantic story that I dreamt of. No, it was with a complete stranger and I ended up going home to cry in the shower because I was baffled and confused about what I just experienced. From receiving the classic message “into?” on Grindr and responding with my hobbies because I was uncomfortable talking about sex. Before coming out, I did everything in my power to avoid talking about the subject, how do I all of a sudden start now? From walking into my first gay bar ready to partake in something built for people like me. But to find myself on edge because I was taking in so much new information and wanted to make sure I was safe. From believing that someone was my mentor. To later find out that they were thinking that maybe one day we would date. All the while, putting on a face that tried to convey “Ya, I know what’s going on. This isn’t my first time.”
But this was my first time. All of those firsts that I dreamt of were nothing like I imagined. My first boyfriends appeared to be more acquainted with their queer selves and I was trying to keep up. Follow their lead without letting them think I was. Even when I was trying to “keep it cool,” my idea of what dating was came crumbling down because I was chasing validation. The dreams of my firsts shattered as I navigated what a queer life would be.
So lessons are learned. Time passes. And before I know it, 6 years go by. 6 years of being an adult going through my queer adolescents. 6 years learning things that my straight peers learned growing up. 6 years becoming more comfortable being myself. 6 years of crossing off those “first moments” and having them differently than imagined. I think now my queer adolescence may be behind me but, I could be wrong. I don’t know what is to come in the next year. But, navigating a queer life finally feels easier. I am still learning new things but, no longer do I feel like I am playing catch-up. So far it’s been 6 years. Next year it will be 7. That year will hold a lot of other stories, I’m sure. There is always more to learn and experience but, I believe it won’t be as tumultuous.
6 years ago. Nothing prepared me for what was to come after I made that decision 6 years ago. But I’m sure as hell glad I did.
