As she stood up to leave, I walked towards her and from the side I noticed a brightly colored pattern on her leg. Trying to make a genuine connection with her I said “I love the pattern on your pants”. She looked at me and said “what?”, I said, "the pattern, it’s lovely”. She responded “that’s my prosthetic leg.”
My heart sank and my stomach tightened. I said “I’m so sorry, I hope I didn’t offend or make you uncomfortable”. She said "no" and left the room. I felt gutted - it was 15 minutes of the worst, most awkward interaction I had ever had and I couldn't figure out why. I tried to reconstruct our conversation and still couldn't understand what had gone wrong. I had this overwhelming need to try to talk with her again to see if I could do better or at least know what she was thinking, so I started drafting an email to her when there was a knock on my door.
When I opened it, she was standing there looking right at me as she blurted out "you know it doesn’t feel good to be told that the problem is just your anxiety." I was taken aback by her sudden eye contact, louder voice and directness. I said “I’m so glad you came back" and I apologized and said that wasn’t at all what I intended to convey. I asked her if she would come back in to talk because we still had 30 minutes left for our meeting and she agreed. I shared with her that I needed some guidance on how to be of help to her and she shared that she didn't know she could follow up with this individual who had made her feel ignored. In this moment it became clear to me: power, culture, gender and structure all came crashing in together to reveal that the expectations she understood as being in place were not the same expectations that needed to be in place for her. In other words, she was waiting for permission to advocate for herself.
I told her what I tell everyone I teach negotiation to: you are your best and often only advocate and if you're a woman, you'll likely get backlash for it anyway so just do it. She said she wasn’t sure she could. Then I reminded her that she had marched back to my door to tell me what she needed, looked me in the eye and told me how I didn't meet her needs in our meeting...and I told her that was self-advocacy. When I told her that if she could do it with me, she could do it with anyone she laughed and more importantly, she believed me.
Everything shifted in that moment. We spent the rest of our time strategizing what she could do to advocate for herself throughout her entire tenure process. I was so relieved that she came back and so grateful to have been of help to her and to have connected with her.
In February of this year I did my 7th “Negotiation with a Culture and Gender Lens” workshop for the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health (HCSPH) and I shared research showing that when the opportunity to negotiate is made explicit - the words "salary negotiable" in job postings, for example - women negotiate as often as men . I told participants, 60 or so women and men from around the world, that if they were waiting for permission to negotiate and self-advocate, this was it and that they had permission from now on. Some smiled, some exhaled deeply and I got some really lovely LinkedIn messages like the one below.
So, what are my points? Yes, things can go wrong, but if you stay engaged, keep trying and "marinate in the awkward" as I like to say, they can eventually turn out right. And, you are your best and often only advocate. Do not wait for permission to ask for what you need to succeed (but if you really need permission, you can find it here).
