PARENTING: not always simple but your don't get to give up

PARENTING: NOT ALWAYS SIMPLE - NOT ALWAYS EASY 
BUT IT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY not to give up

Parenting is a technique that takes a whole lifetime to master and one that we are not allowed to give up on. Our kids are born with their own temper and personality traits. It is our job, as parents, to get to know them and guide them through the easy and happy times as well as the difficult and challenging times.
 
Giving up on our kids because the job gets too difficult is not an option. Research shows that children who are in control of the parent-child relationship become anxious, angry and rebellious. I see too many kids in control of the parent-child relationship who verbally abuse, throw tantrums or call their parents names when things do not go their way. 
 
As parents, we must take responsibility for our part in the disfunction of the relationship. We can just blame it on our kid's temper or their age and simply surrender because that hurts everyone involved. Parents must gain back control. In doing so you will most definetly encounter resistance. It will not be simple nor easy but it is your responsibility. 

HOW TO EXPECT AND GET RESPECT FROM YOUR CHILD

Do not allow your child to parent you: Do not allow your child to call you names, raise their voice at you or tell you what to do, no matter how angry or frustrated they are. You are not your child's friend. When your child is being disrespectful, stop what you are doing, face your child and  ask them to try again. They must understand that speaking to you in a disrespectful way is completely unacceptable. NO EXCEPTIONS. Then you can talk calmly and address their frustration. 
 
Model respect and good manners: good manners and respect begin at home. From the moment they are born our children are watching. As parents we are the first and most powerful role models. Watch your tone of voice, the words you use and the way you handle arguments and frustrations around your kids. 
 
Set clear and realistic expectations: establish clear family rules for your home. Be on the same page as your co-parent. A good discipline plan teaches our kids the life skills they will need to become responsible adults. It includes communication, reinforcement and consequences.  Talk about the fact that other families may have different ways of doing things but in your family the expectations are different.

Address tantrums and frustrations calmly and stay in charge: I don't care how old your child is, they must respect you as a parent. If you are in a public place or at a party and your young child is having a hard time, take your child to a quiet area and explain to him or her that their behavior is unacceptable. If talking doesn't help, stay calm and be ready to excuse yourself and leave. This is a natural consequence and an opportunity to talk to your child about different ways to express their emotions. Furthermore, your will show your child that his/her well being is more important to you that a party or the supermarket. 
 
Talk about what happened: Once things calm down, take a moment to talk about what happened. What made your child so upset? Listen and be present. Talk about different that they can work through their frustrations and big emotions next time. Don't embarrased them. Let them know how much you love them and reassure them of your unconditional love. Be part of your child's process as they explore their emotions and how to deal with them in different situations.  Communication, understanding and unconditional love are the key!

A PARENT'S JOURNEY: WHAT TO EXPECT AND WHAT DO THEY NEED
Our relationship with our kids changes as they get older. The commands that keeps them safe when they are little will become an advice as they go into their adolescence years and on their way to becoming adults. Understanding who we are as parents at different stages of our children's lives will lead to a healthy and long lasting parent-child relationship.

THE FOUR PHASES OF PARENTHOOD
By: Bob Hostetler
 
THE COMMANDER: In the beginning the parent functions as a benevolent dictator telling their child what to do and how to do things giving them the tools, creating discipline and protecting them. 
 
THE COACH: As our kids enter the elementary school years, you begin to clarify rather than dictate. You encourage self-direction and discipline. You give choices and allow them to practice on how to make decisions. 

THE COUNSELOR: Having a teenager means that you are no longer the only force of influence in your child's life. You must be ready to encourage independence, talk about consequences and allow them to make mistakes. You want your child to have these tools in order to become an independent adult. 

THE CONSULTANT: College time! The task of parenting isn't done but it is less proactive. At this time, as parents, we must hope, pray and wait. This is a very difficult stage because it requires the parent to let go and say "let me know if I can help." 

My name is Paola Gancman. I am a certified professional coach with a Masters in Clinical Psychology and twenty years of experience in the field of education.  I work with parents, teens and young adults.  
 
Do you have parenting questions? Contact me for a free 30 minute phone consultation at 818.920.8323. I will guide you towards the best steps for you and your family. 
 
Visit my website for more information about my practice directionlifecoaching.com. 