The Elephant in the Room: Talking about Your Cancer
contribution from Blair Grass, Volunteer Young Adult Cancer Guide for The Boon Project
Recently I read an interesting article in the New York Times that gave me an interesting perspective on how difficult it must be to discuss and disclose a cancer diagnosis with the people in your life. In her article, Kate Bowler talks about her personal experiences and how she perceives interactions. Bowler herself is living with Stage IV cancer. She describes living with and beyond cancer brings with it it’s own set of unique experiences: treatments, tests, doctor appointments and tests.
She acknowledges “To so many people, I am no longer just myself. I am a reminder of a thought that is difficult for the rational brain to accept: that the elements that constitute our bodies might fail at any moment.” In saying this she is pointing out just how incredibly difficult communication can be, especially during a cancer diagnosis. She points out that sometimes people don’t know how to respond or respond in a way that isn’t helpful. So how do we approach people and share vulnerable information about a cancer diagnosis and the feelings that surround it? The first step is often taking time to reflect and assimilate your own feelings - what is going on? Have there been any big milestones you’ve overcome or setbacks?
Here are a few ways to enhance communication, especially when talking to people about cancer:
- Be specific and honest - talk about your feelings and don’t feel pressured to “act like everything is ok”
- Feel free to redirect the conversation - if you aren’t comfortable with the conversation you can say “Thank you for your concern/well wishes but today I’m really trying to focus on something else today or I’d prefer not to talk about that today” or “Usually I’d be open to talking about this but today I just can’t”
- Utilize social media to your comfort level
- Brainstorm and make a list of things that could be helpful - errands, child care, house/yard work, ride to the doctor or company during a treatment, meals etc. People often do want to help and this is a good way to take the “in the moment” pressure off of you. You can offer to follow up by text or email with specific requests too if you feel more comfortable communicating that way.
- Know that you have the right to say as much as you want, when you want and nothing more. Only you can decide how much you want to share on social media and privately with friends/family/coworkers
- Be honest and communicate with yourself - find a way that allows you to channel your feelings or emotions. Journaling, meditation, yoga, reading, art, exercise etc.
- Don’t let one bad interaction make you shut down, not every person can fulfill every need. Following a cancer diagnosis you may find that different relationships help you in different ways
Overall, navigating personal relationships after a cancer diagnosis comes with unique challenges. You will most likely encounter some people who don’t know what to say or who say the wrong thing. You will also find that most of these people are well intentioned and want to help.
Emotions run high and sometimes even the best attempts at communication may not always have the desired end result. Bowler says that after communication must come acknowledgement and love - so look for the response not only in verbal communication but also in the acknowledgement.
In closing, communication and talking to people in your life can be difficult after a cancer diagnosis but there is hope. I especially love the comforting words that Bowler shares at the end of her article, words her sister shared with her: “Yes, the world is changed, dear heart, but do not be afraid. You are loved, you are loved. You will not disappear. I am here.”
The Boon Project is always a resource for you if you find that you need an additional source of support at any point in your cancer diagnosis.
-Blair Grass, The Boon Project - Young Adult Cancer Guide
For reference you may read Kate Bowler’s article here:
nytimes.com/2018/01/26/opinion/sunday/cancer-what-to-say.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-right-region&region=opinion-c-col-right-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-right-region
