Author's Note:
I have never been more aimless, and yet, so hopeful.
When you lose someone who is also so much a part of you, you have to re-evaluate some things. For me, it looks like this: what do I really want to do with my life? What do I need to start prioritizing? Should my husband and I create a will and trust? Should we move? We need to totally change how we spend our money. I need to double check that we are both each other's beneficiary's. I need to start taking my mom's advice (better late than never). Why am I choosing to listen to my mom after she's gone? Have I been a complete ingrate?
As a daughter, I want to do all that I can to have a prepared future because that is the example my mom made as a wife and mother. She was always prepared. She always had us in mind. Files, folders, passwords, stocks, retirement, automated bills - my mom had all of that organized because she was always prepared. She was not aimless. She did what she wanted to do: be a devoted, godly wife, be an incredible mom, be a loyal friend, work hard as hell at her job (and majorly reap the benefits of that), and do it all to glorify God. She aimed, took her shot, and very rarely missed. I want to honor that. I want to have that kind of accuracy. God gave that to her and I know that He has and will continue to give it to me, too.
I have just recently been hired at a tutoring center where I have my own caseload of students and responsibilities. I will get to form my own special relationships with them. I will get to pour into them. I will watch them grow and bloom and achieve goals. This is something that feeds my passion. I aimed, took my shot - I didn't miss. I'm doing what I should and it's what's getting me out of bed every morning. I am comforted knowing for fact that my mom is so proud of me and I know she is cheering me on in heaven, right next to Jesus.
For everything else, I am still aimless and still hopeful. I have no idea what the future holds but I know I am being held. God will guide me, He will lead the way. I just have to let go and really allow Him to do so.