SHALOM!

The weather this past weekend ranged from warm in the high 70s to rainy and down to the 50s. There was a small earthquake in Los Angeles, and I am told Mercury is in retrograde. All of this means that it's a great time to hunker down and focus in on the changes you want to make in your life this year. This week's Newsletter is aimed at helping us concentrate on what matters most: our relationships with others, our relationship with the community, and our relationship with God. Thanks for #KeepingItSacred!

NURTURING RELATIONSHIPS

I am a Reality TV fan. When I say that though, know that not all programming has been created the same. I am interested in shows on love and relationships. At some point, I will share what I have learned from ABC’s The Bachelor. But today, I’d like to share an observation I made from a recent episode of ABC’s Wife Swap because it so clearly mirrors relationships that are prevalent in society today, and also because it beautifully provided a model for overcoming the pressure points. 

The family was the vision of a classic "American" family. They were white, Christian and consisted of a mom, a dad, a daughter who was training to be a cheerleader and a son who was into sports. But the dynamic was such that the busy-ness of their lives took center stage. The parents' main conversations consisted of logistical planning of the kids’ afterschool events. The kids struggled to keep up with school and the pressures of performing on the field. The family would often take the "divide-and-conquer" approach where the dad would handle the son and the mom would shuttle the daughter. This was the pattern they had settled into for years.

Unsurprisingly, the couple had lost touch with one another, and the family activities had become routine. They forgot about the spark that had ignited their love in the first place, and they forgot how to enjoy one another's time as a family. It was a classic case of failing to nurture the relationship. 

Fortunately, the premise of Wife Swap is that families swap wives for two weeks to help guide them based on their (usually extremely opposite) values.

And, thanks to the producers, this family was paired extremely well-- the new wife who was brought in was madly in love with her romantic husband and had a great relationship with her son based on spontaneous fun. Naturally, the new wife had a lot to share to help jumpstart the heart of this flatlining scenario. 

She immediately pinpointed the problem of the over-scheduling and the lack of time to connect both as a pair and as an entire family. She scaled back after school activities, prescribed a regimen of family dinners and game nights, and even made the husband prepare a memory book filled with their most heartwarming moments to present to his wife when she returned two weeks later. 

When the true wife returned, she was astounded. She appreciated that her kids were feeling more seen and that she could enjoy them more before they turned 18 and left the house. She was so moved by the memory book, she was at a loss for words. The husband, too, openly wept at the shared sad realization that their marriage had almost died and but he realized they now had a roadmap to infuse their marriage with new life. The husband credited Wife Swap with saving the marriage. See why I love Reality TV?

What a profound lesson. We each must remember that caring for a human relationship, whether romantic, platonic, or work, is like caring for plants. Relationships must be nurtured each day— care is the water, and fun is the sunshine. 

Jewishly, we learn in the Talmud a quite interesting obligation of husbands— he must sexually fulfill his wife’s desires. And, traditionally speaking, a wife’s responsibilities of nurturing the husband were many as well. 

But what that really is code for, regardless of the sexual orientation of the relationship, is that nurturing the relationship is critical. Paying attention to the other’s needs, wants and desires, and taking delight in them, is essential to the long term health of the relationship. 

Another way to think about this is the way the rabbis talk about the Torah being a fountain of living waters. It provides love itself but only inasmuch as the rabbis engage with it and pay attention to it and study it.  Our lives are nurtured through Torah as long as we engage with it. Our relationships are nurtured only as long as we engage with them. 

May we all resolve to pay greater attention to the relationships that mean the most to us.

DAF YOMI HIGHLIGHT: OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

There are rhythms to the passages in the Talmud largely consists of punctiliously listing rules, then defining them and providing prooftexts for them, and then subsequently arguing over their “rightness.” But among this legal banter, which can also be scintillating, sometimes a phrase or concept jumps out and steals the show. 

That recently happened with two passages this week. They concerned the very important theological questions of the “where” and “when” of God. 

Where DOES God exist? Berachot 48 includes a passage about a young Abaye and Rava who were seated before their teacher, Rabba. 

He asked them: To whom do we recite the blessings? 

They said: to the All-Merciful.

And where does the All -Merciful reside?

Rava pointed to the ceiling. Abaye went outside and pointed toward the heaven.

There and then, Rabba predicted that they will both be recognized as sages. 

And this passage ends with the saying: “A cucumber is a cucumber from its blossoming.” Meaning that you can tell what a person will one day become from a young age. 

So where DOES God reside? Whether literally above us or in the heavens as a concept is beside the point. Each student was pointing beyond his grasp. Isn’t that the best way we can describe our understanding of God? Beyond the grasp of human understanding. 

The second passage tackles the question of if God is still active in the creation of the universe. Berachot 51 reveals two opinions on how we should recite the Havdalah fire blessing.

The House is Shammai says we should refer to God “who created” (PAST TENSE) the fire. 

The House of Hillel says we should refer to God “who creates” the fire. (PRESENT TENSE). 

As is typical, Hillel wins the argument. This teaches that the rabbinic mindset was one of imagining God as continually involved with creation each minute.

What a profound assertion to make-- especially to affirm this after the destruction of the Temple— in 70 CE, when the people were feeling abandoned and forsaken by God. So many Jews have had this question throughout time- during the Spanish Inquisition, the pogroms, and the Holocaust.

Either argument could have easily been redacted out but what it teaches is that we are a people who, even if it is hard, we respect one another’s theological positions enough to preserve them on the page. 

We are left with the realization that those who severely doubt God's continued hand in the events of the world (the house of Shammai) are validated. Shammai's words are preserved on the page lest anyone think that their thought is beyond the pale. They are validated in their thought. Still, though, Hillel wins the argument. And, ultimately, this shows that the Jewish people are ones who have the ability to hold onto hope beyond any travesty.

So, we learned this week studying Talmud that the rabbis are pointing us to an idea that God is both vividly present and also beyond reach. How do you conceive of the Creator? Email or Facebook your response!

HOW WE NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OUR COMMUNITY

Well, if you haven’t already seen them in front of your local grocery store, you definitely caught a friend or more hawking these items on behalf of their daughters at work or online. I’m talking, of course, about Girl Scout cookies. 

Behind every box of these frenzy-inducing delicacies is a Girl Scout. A female child who has found a great program dedicated to supporting her on her path to self-fulfillment.  

You see, Girl Scouts is not about making the girls into one, pardon-the-pun, "cookie-cutter" ideal. Rather it is about a girl’s ability to direct her own learning and growth, set goals, to master skills and to support other who are trying to achieve as well. 

My time as a Brownie and then Girl Scout directly contributed to my confidence, leadership, care for the community, and the all important: succeeding at camping out, building a campfire, and roasting s'mores. (Okay, I don't remember there being a badge for that last one, but if there was I would have TOTALLY earned it!).  

Girl Scouts today can earn badges in Coding, Cybersecurity and Robotics along with classic badges recognizing skills in First Aid, Music, Telling Your Story and Good Citizenship. In fact you can see the full list: here. You will see that these badges represent the tools the girl has to help uplift her community. 

The pledge I STILL remember is: On my honor, I will try, to serve God, to help people at all times, and to live by the Girl Scout Law. 

Aren't these some of the core values of Judaism? To recognize the oneness of the universe/God? To be a credit to society? And what's the Girl Scout Law you ask? Well it includes values like those found in the Jewish tradition: to be honest and fair, responsible for what we say and do, to respect others, to use resources wisely and to make the world a better place. 

For each value, consider these Jewish texts:

Honest and fair: in business you shall have fair weights and measures; you shall not set up an unjust system of courts.

Responsible for what we say: we shall not succumb to the evil tongue/gossip. 

Responsible for what we do: ummm... all of Jewish law!

To use resources wisely: not even a mustard seed shall be water. 

And to make the world a better place: Tikkun Olam/You must repair the world. 

Living up to our motto to “make new friends but keep the old,” 90% of my troop (Valley 252!) is still connected on Facebook and we even participated in a reunion a few years back. 

You see, when you buy cookies, or straight up donate to the Girl Scouts, you are building a more conscientious society. And you'll definitely make them smile if you compliment their signage and marvel at the self-confidence they are building with each and every solicitation. 

In the Talmud, we learn, Kol Yisrael Aravim Zeh B’Zeh means each person in the community (of the people of Israel) is responsible for the other. Universally, Girl Scouts of America teaches this lesson at a young age — our lives of service prove it. So, buy a box today and build a better (and sweeter!) new world. 

TORAH OF THE WEEK:

And, finally: happy new week! The reflection on this week's Torah portion, Terumah, called "Gifts for God" can be found HERE:

UPCOMING EVENTS:

THIS FRIDAY NIGHT AT TEMPLE ISRAEL OF HOLLYWOOD

As Visiting Rabbi at Temple Israel of Hollywood, Rabbi Miller will next lead Shabbat Services on February 28, 2020, and plan a meaningful Yom HaShoah commemoration there in April 2020. Services begin at 6:30pm-- join us! www.tioh.org

MIDRASHIC METHOD AT ST. JOHN’S CHURCH in RSM THIS SPRING

Rabbi Miller will teach a class on the practice of filling in the gaps in biblical texts, a Jewish genre of literature known as Midrash, at St. John’s Church in Rancho Santa Margarita this spring. Stay tuned for more. 

COUPLES’ RETREAT: COMING THIS SUMMER!

We are working on planning a Keeping It Sacred Couples’ Retreat for this summer. This retreat will be geared toward:

• those who were married by Rabbi Miller and would love to add new dimensions to their prior Spiritual Couples Counseling,
• those who are already married and would like to benefit from a modern, relevant Jewish spiritual framing of relationship building, and/or
• those who are newly engaged and would like to see what the tradition has to offer in terms of modern, practical and spiritually wise relationship advice.

This retreat is in the beginning stages, but please contact rabbiheathermiller@gmail.com to let us know what timing works best for you. 

THANK YOU!

You are a cherished member of this community and we love to hear from you-- what questions do you have? Reach out to rabbiheathermiller@gmail.com or via phone at 818-312-8388 anytime to let us know what you’re finding meaningful, inspiring and what you’d like to see.

And, THANK YOU for Keeping It Sacred!

...together, we're #keepingitsacred

We'd love for you to forward this to a friend to invite them to sign up, too!