Greetings

Date night fights. Do you ever have these? They began sprouting up in our marriage in earnest on my first kid’s first birthday. We went to a wedding, excited to drink and dance and have fun and wear fancy clothes for the first time in a year, but got too drunk and ended up yelling at each other all the way home. I felt bad for ruining our great date night, what should have been a triumphant celebration of our first year of parenthood. And I felt really bad in general at 3 AM.

This situation repeated itself over the next several years. We’d make a date, get a sitter, spend a pile of money on transportation and the meal, then have drinks and fight on the way home. The weird thing was that I could never figure out what the fight was about, except that I was always mad that we had ruined date night.

Finally, this year, I realized that quantities of white wine are not my friend. I started exploring new and exciting realms of beer, cider, and bourbon, and believe it or not that was huge in terms of cutting down date night fighting. But it didn’t solve everything.

Just a few weeks ago we went on a small getaway for our 10th anniversary (again, beware the "triumphant" date.)

After another small pile of money and MANY detailed instructions for my parents, the first night I brought actual conversation starters to dinner because I felt out of things to say. The second day, on our actual anniversary, we had a fight that involved an angry email (between us, on vacation), and then we were able to relax. We went home the next day.

Sometimes it seems unreasonable that we’re supposed to maintain a happy long term romantic relationship with the person that we a) share our precious space with b) share one or more children with. Once in awhile it helps to say “I need to talk to you as a friend about my life as a parent -- just let me complain about how something sucks without taking it personally.” But that’s not always effective or applicable. Other times I just remind myself this is still easier than doing it by myself.

Or is it? I’ll sign off with this quote by the great Julia Sweeney in If It’s Not One Thing It’s Your Mother about a conversation she, a single mother, had with a married mother:

~ Claire

PS - I presume you are going to VOTE TODAY, but what if my failure to remind you is the singular reason why you fail to cast the deciding vote in a close and important race?

Kids • "Mom, where's my backpack/coat/shoes/tiny Lego piece/etc???"

Tired of family members bothering you to pinpoint their belongings as if you have nothing else going on besides a keeping constant geolocation of everything in your house? Try this tip from my friend Annie, a business witch:

Start charging $1.00 for finding things. Seriously. You will not make much money, though, because as soon as you add the fee, members of your household will find that they were born with the physical strength to move a carton of milk in order to see the ketchup.

One downside she notes is that you may be forced to pay the fee if you need someone to help you find something, but of course you never will because you know where everything is, all the time.  

A Word With • 3 stepmoms

You ever think you have it hard and then you talk to someone who literally got punched in the face at work? (This happens to a friend of mine in special ed sometimes.) Behold: Stepmoms. Here’s what I have learned about their particular struggles from: 

A: three stepchildren, ages 10, 13 and 15 when she married their dad in 2011

K: two stepsons, ages 6 and 3 when she married their dad in 2011

C:  one stepson, age 8, when she married their dad in 2012, with whom she had subsequent kids

Finding your role

A: "Once I became part of the household, I was like, 'I’m going to pack lunches! I’m going to do this and that!' It was this weird self-imposed internal pressure. I don’t know what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to. I could just shut up and take a back seat and let him parent. I wish I had known that going in."

Invasion of the space/time-snatchers

A: "The kids would go to their mom’s every other weekend and I would really count on having those weekends with my husband alone. But then sometimes you’d hear, 'So-and-so wants to have a sleepover with her friend at our house.' I was like, 'Wait, no, we had a deal—I’m owed this. Why can’t you tell the kid ‘No?' My husband said, 'I can’t tell them they can’t come to their home.' That helped me understand that nobody was trying to take anything away from me—I was kind of collateral damage."

Having kids with a man who already has kids

C: "My husband felt a lot of guilt about having more children. He didn't want his son to feel left out. But of course he was going to feel left out: babies are shitty. I was a first time mom and I was a mess. I was sobbing on the floor. You’d think my husband would be helpful having had kids before, but he was terrible. His approach, after we had our first child together, was to have his mom camp out in the front of the house with me. That made me crazy."

Mom shit without mom perks

K: "Sometimes you’re like, 'Why do I have to deal with this stuff? I don’t even have kids. I’m just the stepmother.' You get all the shit and not all of the love. One of the things that keeps you hanging on as a mother is you birthed this child, you know what this kid has been like since day one."

C: "Being a stepmom is even more thankless than your own fucking kid. You know on your birthday you get those happy birthday cards that say 'I love you mommy' and then they spill their milk and cry and the birthday’s over? I don’t even get the card." 

The unexpected upsides

K: "You get to see what your spouse is like as a father. That was one of the reasons that made me fall in love my husband."

A: "I think it increased my tolerance for chaos.  'Oh, there's a sock on the coffee table, that’s just called Tuesday.' It made me a little more unflappable, a little more able to roll with changes that came along."

Advice for other stepmoms

K: "You have to be respectful and come from a place of love. We’re always constantly working on this. My husband told me, 'I 100% respect your decisions.' You have to be a fricking united front."

A: "Don’t expect anything from your stepkids because they don’t owe you shit. Of course they need to be polite to you, but don’t go into it thinking, 'I sacrificed so much for this kid, so they should be really nice to me.' The kids did not invite you into their lives. The kid had no power over this at all."

C: "Have duplicate sets of everything. It saves a lot of trips, going back and forth. Keep a full kid’s wardrobe at your house. We had our own set of lacrosse sticks."

A: "The only person who understands is another stepmom. I went to a meetup for stepmoms. The first meeting I went to, I was so excited to be with people who got it, I was shaking.  I read every single one and I wouldn't recommend them. I recommend just asking your friends, “Do you know any step parents?” and try to connect with them in person. And therapy."

Y R Spouses? • When your partner shows you how to improve your life with technology

FOOD • You make me wanna soup, baby

...soup.

We wouldn't be witches if we didn't spend a big chunk of the season hunched over a big pot of something that is more than likely to disappoint our spouses when we tell them it's for dinner. These are the soups and stews my friends are cooking and loving lately.

Pressure Cooker Chicken Tortilla Soup. "We slice corn tortillas really thin and fry them and serve as a garnish."

Black bean soup  "The smoky chipotle seasoning and the blended texture make it good, and not canned bean-like. This is the one Gwyneth Paltrow recipe I like."

Sopa de Fideo:  "I made this and it took 20 minutes and everyone loved it."

Slow cooker Curried Vegetable and Chickpea Stew: "It’s easy and it feel virtuous. I omit the green pepper."

Lucky Peach Hot and Sour. "My family does not love this soup. I make it so that I can eat it for lunch. It’s high-protein, low-carb, and super tasty. Make massive batches and freeze. (Save the egg drop for reheating if you do that.)"

Caldo Verde (Portuguese Sausage Kale Soup) "You can get the people at the meat counter in Whole Foods to mix up ground pork with linguica spices if they don't have the actual sausage available. Getting the sausage is by far the hardest part of this soup. Everything else is super-easy, it freezes well, and it's AMAZINGLY delicious."

"Gourmet’s tomatillo turkey chili is a classic, and freezes beautifully."

"Mark Bittman’s Ribollita is on full rotation in our house. The bread on top is the best."

Slow-Cooker Loaded Baked Potato Soup: "This soup is not healthy, but I made it yesterday and it was eaten by senior citizens, toddlers, and all others in between. I added shredded carrots because I'm a mean mom."

Penzey’s Northwoods Chicken Stew*: "I use egg noodles instead of potatoes, and I add them at the very end. And if I make it ahead, I don't add the noodles until I reheat. "Northwoods Seasoning" is just thyme, rosemary, salt and pepper and some chipotle or something, so you can work around that."

What’s in your cauldron? Holla.

*Here is some essential reading on Penzey’s if you have Thoughts About Penzey's.

• End Credits •

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This issue has been brought to you by the sensation of being cold and sweaty at the same time. Happy fall/winter/early spring/late spring/perimenopause!

 • One Witchy Thing •