“I know I’m not supposed to bottle up my emotions. But when I try to talk to my partner about how I feel it often ends up in a fight. Is it really worth it and what's going wrong?”
This is such a common question with a relatively quick (if not necessarily easy) fix: Own your emotions! But what does that even mean??
The reason conversations about feelings often end up in a shit show is because we’re not actually talking about feelings. Let me explain: Say you’ve asked your partner to do something. Like a dozen times. But he somehow just doesn’t seem to “remember”. He comes up with a new excuse every time. It drives you bonkers. So you say something along the lines of: ‘Did you even listen to me? I’ve asked you so many times! It’s so frustrating.’ This is an accusation rather than a feeling shared, which immediately gets them on the defence.
Even ‘I feel like you just don’t listen to me’ isn’t an actual feeling either, it’s still a judgement. When we feel judged we all tend to defend ourselves. So the argument begins.
But try changing it to: ‘I’m feeling unheard.’ Now THAT’S about your actual feelings. And what’s better, that’s you owning your feelings. There's nothing to defend or argue against. Yes it requires vulnerability from your side, but that’s what connection and intimacy is all about!
No-one ever got closer to anybody by trying to prove them wrong. (Speaking of lots of personal experience here.)
Let’s take it further: How does feeling unheard make you feel? Angry? Sad? Frustrated? (a form of anger) Afraid? Go ahead and own that too!
And don’t make it about them. Stick to the facts, and avoid interpretation (such as ‘You don’t care. If you cared you wouldn’t forget!’ That’s not a fact, it’s an interpretation; a meaning you give to something in your head. The fact is what happened (with no exaggeration) and how you feel about it.
Sounds simple, but this can take a lot of practice! And it won’t work perfectly every time. Speaking your painful truths doesn't tend to be all neat and tidy... But I guarantee it’ll bring more connection and understanding in your relationships. Owning your feelings makes it much easier for the other person to actually hear you without getting defensive. And when you come from a vulnerable rather than an accusatory space it sets the stage for a more open-hearted exchange. Which means more connection and more intimacy...
