We all know that the quest for independence peaks during the adolescent years. During this time teens work hard to define who they are separate from their parents. Milestones like going to high school, getting a driver’s license, or securing a first job can be exciting. But at the same time, your teen’s behaviors can become disturbing, hurtful, and disheartening. They can also really upset the harmony in your home.
First let me say you are not alone. Typical expressions of independence include- expressing opinions that are contrary to yours 24/7, testing to see if you will accept their sometimes outlandish opinions, pushing your buttons, blaming you for their poor decisions (Well if you hadn’t… I wouldn’t have…), talking back, and refusing to do chores or homework. Sound familiar?
I know you have heard it, read it, and read it again, but the prefrontal cortex part of your teen’s brain, the part responsible for planning, impulse control, and judgement, will not fully develop until they are 25. That is a long way off! So, here is what you can do in the meantime-
Relax-Find the balance between healthy and unhealthy expressions of independence and choose your battles. Allow more freedom of self-expression: clothing choices, hair color, body piercings, music, friends, how they spend their money. Concern yourself with signs of unhealthy expressions such as sudden changes in peer groups, severe mood swings, signs of drug use, a rapid decline in grades or isolating from the family.
Loosen Your Grip and reflect on your parenting style- There are 4 types of parenting styles- Authoritarian, Permissive, Neglectful, and Authoritative (see the link below to read more about them). Research shows that the most successful parenting style is Authoritative, a style that is characterized by the following-
· Parents and teens solve problems together.
· Parents and teens set clear boundaries and natural consequences together.
· Parents and teens practice open communication.
Bring them into the conversation to create clear boundaries and consequences- Schedule times periodically to establish and revise clear boundaries and consequences around topics such as curfews, car use, time management, social media use, household chores and communication (check ins, plan changes etc). Mutually agree on these boundaries and consequences. Align natural consequences with specific boundaries. Be willing to create goals/actions that will allow your teen to earn back your trust and freedoms when trust has been broken. You may want to consider using a Teen Responsibility/Privilege Contract (See Monthly Teen Tool) to help you do this.
Reach out to learn more about the many ways I can guide and support you and your teen on her road to independence ginnymoylan@findingyourfirefly.com