Traveling well is all about negotiating well.
You want to get on an overbooked flight or score that hotel room upgrade? Need to bargain at a local market or get a prime table in the hottest local restaurant? Then you need the negotiating skills of an FBI agent.
Luckily, Yahoo Travel happens to have some on speed dial.
The right hostage negotiating tactics have a 90 percent success rate in getting you exactly what you want, according to Gary Noesner, retired chief of the FBI Negotiations Unit and author of “Stalling for Time: My Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator.”
You can use the following tactics during just about any travel quandary to guarantee a positive outcome. The next time you’re faced with an impossible-to-solve situation, take a deep breath and channel your inner FBI agent.
Assess the situation
In order to be an effective negotiator, “you have to be able to appreciate the state of mind of the person you’re talking to,” says Chris Voss, former lead international kidnapping negotiator for the FBI and current CEO of The Black Swan Group (where he now applies his hostage negotiating skills to business and everyday life).
Is the gate agent — who holds the fate of your upgrade in her hands — frazzled from being yelled at by other frustrated customers? Is the clerk in the Parisian store — from whom you need directions — sick of American tourists expecting him to speak English? Armed with this knowledge, you can proceed accordingly.
Personalize the interaction
Most people think the best way to bargain is to make it impersonal — be all business. Not so. Everyone wants to be treated like a human being.
“Tell the person your name,” says Voss. And smile. “It humanizes you and makes the other person feel good.”
Show some respect
Demonstrate that you’ve made an effort. When traveling, find out something about the local culture, like learning a native greeting, says Noesner. Strangely, starting off your interaction with an apology also works.
“I’m sorry, I know this isn’t your job to give directions,” you can say to the overworked and underappreciated TSA agent, “but where is the Delta lounge?” “It catches people off guard,” says Voss. So does a self-deprecating joke, like: “I thought I was paying attention in Spanish class, but apparently my education was a little deficient” is a good way to start when you need help from a local and don’t speak the language. “Humor disarms people,” says Noesner. (Figuratively, of course.)
Create a connection
This is by far the most important (and most complicated) tactic to negotiating. Whether it’s an FBI agent trying to get a criminal to come out with his hands up or you trying to get an upgrade to business class on a long flight, the key to success is forging a relationship with the person you’re talking to.
“It’s the universal ingredient,” says Noesner. “You’re much more likely to gain cooperation and avoid conflict when you make a connection and gain mutual respect.”
How do you do that in a short period of time? Hostage negotiators have tricks for that too.
Two of the most effective are emotional labeling and paraphrasing.
With emotional labeling, you give a voice to the other person’s feelings. For example, explains Voss, tell the gate agent who’s being yelled at by other passengers something like: “Hi, I’m Chris. It seems like you’re having a pretty hectic day.”
Or, says Noesner, say to the merchant you’re haggling with, “Your wares are really beautiful, and they’re really worth what you’re asking, I can see that. I just can’t afford to pay that right now.” You’re showing the person you understand, and “Everyone wants to be understood,” says Voss.
Another good trick is paraphrasing — that is, repeating what the person is telling you back to them in your own words. According to both Noesner and Voss, it may be the most powerful trick in a negotiator’s arsenal, because it shows the person you really hear what they’re saying. “It can really change the service you get and it can have a big impact.”
Some other tips to forging a bond include making eye contact, nodding your head in understanding, and making appropriate facial expressions in response to what you hear.
Connection made.
Get the other person talking
There are two good tricks to do this. The first is mirroring, or repeating key terms that the other person mentions. It’s like a Jedi mind trick, says Voss — the repetition spurs the other person to talk more about the subject. The other technique is using strategic pauses — whomever you’re speaking with will rush to fill the silence. And the more they go on, the more valuable information you can get, like whether the hostess at the hot new restaurant you wandered into has any last-minute reservation cancellations that you can take advantage of.
And there’s a bonus: “When a person throws something out there, he owns it,” says Voss. “It makes the other person feel like they’re in control.” And when someone feels in control, they can embrace the outcome.
The bottom line is, you want to build a rapport with the person, because that’s the best way to get them to cooperate. “I always tell people,” says Noesner, “whenever I would ask a hostage taker, what was it that the negotiator said made you come out? The answer was always the same: ‘I don’t remember what he said, but I liked the way he said it.’” And those are negotiating words you can live by.