Our guest on Episode 38 was Robert Beatty, one of the best meditation teachers on the planet (IMO). At the end of the interview, he mentioned something almost in passing that I think is one of the most important and impactful parts of the podcast: What is the most 'violent' word you can say to yourself? The word is should.
That might seem an odd word to label 'the most violent' you can say to yourself, so let's unpack it.
What type of should are we talking about?
There are some shoulds that we really ought to be doing. Think of these as shoulds that are external:
You should clean out that dirty wound.
You should look both ways before crossing the street.
What we're talking about here are internal shoulds about how you are feeling or what you're thinking.
I shouldn't be feeling angry or anxious right now. I should feel grateful, etc.
This isn't to say that wanting to change your mental frame is a bad thing. I'd argue that working toward a positive mental state is a good thing. The negative part, or the 'violence' to the self, comes in the moment of shoulding a thought or emotion. Why is that? It comes down to what is buried in that should.
Internal shoulds are a judgement. They are guilt, blame, and shame at a minimum. You are laying guilt and shame at yourself for having a thought or a feeling -- something that in that singular moment, you can't control arising. And that’s your own internal voice throwing shade!
The sage advice
Here’s how our recent guest Robert Beatty explained it on our most recent podcast How to Meditate.
"Let's say I'm sitting in meditation and I think, 'I should be different. I should be having a different experience I shouldn't be having these angry thoughts.'
These are self-hating thoughts.
The reality of the moment is that there are these thoughts. They exist. And if I say they shouldn't exist, I'm at war with reality. I'm fundamentally at war with myself.
The antidote to that, of course, is to notice the shoulding. And that's already a huge step. But then I aspire to love and accept myself exactly as I am in this moment, accepting what is. We're not trying to become somebody we're not or something we're not."
The lame yet illustrative story
I remember skiing on a beautiful winter day. It was sunny, the snow was soft and light, and there was a slight crisp breeze. There were also thousands of other people enjoying this day, and I had a lot of anxiety about the crowds. A lot.
I was stopped at a high point looking out over the view of surrounding high peaks thinking, “I know this is beautiful and I should be having this feeling of serene connection with nature, but all I feel is anxious about all these fu#*ing people!” I took a pause. Why should I feel one way and not another? I felt how I felt. The should part of my self talk certainly didn’t make things better.
In that moment, I took a line from Robert’s playbook and said to myself, “This moment is just as it is. Wanting it to be different than reality is only going to cause more angst.” What happened next?
I felt exactly the same amount of anxiety I had the moment before, but accepted that that was just how things were at the moment.
What changed was the story I was telling myself about the unsettled feeling. No amount of shoulding would change it. The shoulding would only put me at odds with myself. Without a should, there’s just the emotion without the story, judgment, guilt, shame, and extra worry to amplify it.
This moment is just as it is
What's the take home? Make effort to accept the reality of the moment as it is, observe the internal formations with equanimity rather than judgment and self criticism, and reserve should for external things. This is by no means easy and certainly won't happen just by reading a newsletter. It's a process and the master skill isn't to abolish the 'should' (that's nearly impossible), it's to notice when it's happening.
Keep on rocking,
Rob O
