My daughter married her high school sweetheart last weekend, which means that my thoughts for the past month have been consumed with wedding details. The weeks of planning leading up to any big event can be overwhelming and stressful. There are many questions that require answers and so many decisions to be made. You can hit a level of saturation and overwhelm where you just want to think about anything else.
Whenever I thought about writing this newsletter, the only thing that came to mind was “capacity”, because more than once, my daughter’s response to one of my wedding-related inquiries was “Can we NOT talk about this right now?” Her capacity was low. (Ironically, when I went back to my newsletter archives, I found that last October my thoughts were also on reaching our limits of capacity.)
You’re probably not in the throes of planning a wedding for your child, but my daughter’s pleas to STOP ruminating over the wedding reminded me of those stressful parenting moments around my kids’ academics - high-stakes tests, big projects, missing assignments, grades, college applications, and so on. More relatable?
When our children are reaching their capacity they may make a direct request – Can we NOT talk about this?! – but sometimes it’s not as obvious and shows up as withdrawing, acting out, or avoiding/escaping through substances, social media, food, etc. Or maybe they do make a direct request and we miss it or ignore it and THEN they adopt these behaviors to try to cope and self-protect. This is when it helps to remember that how we empathize and talk with our children matters.
The wedding was perfect. No exaggeration. After months of sweating a gazillion details and scenarios, the day exceeded our highest expectations. While it’s hard to maintain perspective when our children are facing high-stakes experiences, it helps to keep our anticipatory anxiety in check and remember the privilege that comes with witnessing their unique journeys.
Be well. Be safe. Be hopeful.
