A newsletter from ya gurl, B

Me and every other derailed artist and their mother are starting newsletters during this strange time in history. I almost sent this weeks ago, then I realized that I might not be in a position mentally to share my thoughts. Still might be the case. But now is a great time to: stop asking my roommate's cat to marry me; start to think about alternative ways of connecting community and considering what is "normal." You're getting this 'cus you're my dear friend, family, or dare I say fan and I'm ready to usher you and anyone else you choose to share this newsletter with into a complex ongoing conversation. Sprinkled into these newsletters will be my visual art and some career updates! Maybe in the future I'll get some more qualified people on certain topics to chime in. For now, I'm doing my best. We're all on our asses, so let's get into it. 

"Get Down", 2020

What is normal?

Here’s the core of who I am: I think a lot about what is normal. What’s normal in sex, gender, politics, career, finances?  Leave now if you’d like to ponder that on your own, 'cus the quick truth is that what is 'normal' is colored by our upbringing, our socioeconomic lot, our race, our faith, the systems and institutions we have a stake in, and the narratives we opt into via news sources and social media. Even in this very newsletter I know I'm addressing folks from LA to Ireland, from teenagers to retiree’s, from millionaires to students in debt, from radical Black Feminist Thinkers to Trump supporters (omg let me know if you’re both though, how FASCINATING!)

"Wallpaper", 2020

So what's the color of normal?

There is no algorithm here guessing who you are and how to seduce you into an angle. There are infinite shades of what’s normal, but my hope is that if we're all radically honest about what's "normal" for us personally, and what we hope will become more "normal" for the future, we might be able to reach a more mutual understanding of what is real. 

5 years ago I read the entirety of an article and I'll never let anyone forget about that one time! But the article also happened to be profoundly impactful and still resonates with me. In her essay, "Now is the Time to Talk about What We are Actually Taking About," Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie wrote, 

"Every precious ideal must be reiterated, every obvious argument made, because an ugly idea left unchallenged begins to turn the color of normal. It does not have to be like this.”

"Close Distance", 2020 

From 2017 to 2019, the documentary “The Dilemma of Desire” followed me as a subject. I shared my radically personal sexual journey, grew in the process, and hoped others would too in seeing my slice of life. The documentary was slated to premier at SXSW, but you know the rest. 

Instead of hopping on a plane to Austin, Texas and being turned away at VIP parties, I wrote this Op-Ed for The Daily Beast on "Why We All Need to learn more about the Clitoris (and female orgasm)"

Talk to your friends, daughters, sons, or boo thangs about it. 

"Perspective's a Bitch (Oblique view)", 2019

Wow so much nudity of you, dude 

Dude, it's not even really meant to be me, so get over seeing a naked body.

But I have also been doing pastel portraits of friends and other cultural activators of the Arts Renaissance in Chicago. I do three hour in-person sessions in my studio. I make my guests some tea, we schmooze, maybe we lightly booze, and then I say "ok please hold still and don't be scared of your own thoughts" and boy has it gone in many directions. In an era of digital connection, there's something very vulnerable and anti-instant gratification about sitting with someone in person. I've learned that the more there is trust and comfort between me and the subject, the more the portrait captures their essence. 

I GOT A GRANT TO GATHER PEOPLE HAHA WOMP 

One day during the blur that was April, while I was crying about the destitute future, I opened an email from the Chicago's Department of Cultural Affairs and Events informing me I received the grant I applied for back in December, so then I just cried tears of joy! So convenient, I was already sobby!

The City of Chicago wants to fund my first solo show wherein I'd exhibit up to 10 of these pastel portraits and many more new original works in oils and silkscreen, much like what you've seen so far. Then confusion hit. My proposal for an opening reception was once upon a time a simple concept: I pictured a room packed with friends, family and community members; people staring at a portrait, then realizing that the actual subject was right next to them in person; a live band playing in the back yard, so that the show eventually just turns into a dancey hang rollicking into the night; a time for people to loosen up in their own bodies, and a space to organically build community across spheres. 

This has suddenly become so complicated and I don't know when we'll see this day.

"Homebody", 2019

We're all asked to stay home to save lives, but we're also facing ourselves

This moment is mostly overwhelming, but if this isn't the precise moment to look at what's broken in our American society and pivot in a new direction, honey I don't know when is!!?

Covid-19 is further revealing the country’s profound inequalities and institutional lapses. Frankly, I don’t want to go back to how we were, nor try to drag what was "normal" into the future. LET IT GO, BB!!!

Rev. Dr. William J. Barber II, co-chair of the Poor People’s Campaign: A National Call for a Moral Revival said,

“We have been a hard nation to change. This moment combines the fear of mortality, it combines the fear of losing our money and it combines the fear of losing our community. And those fears, suffered long enough, may just have the impact of creating an antibody that will be a moral revival in this country in which all of us come together.

I have some strange hope that out of all this pain will come a new context in which America, with all of our divisions, with all of our past, will make some decision about how we restart that doesn’t just accept normalcy. This pandemic is saying to us that the old normal would be a waste, that it would dishonor all the people who have died and who have sacrificed to save lives. The old normal would mean that the people we deemed essential workers still lack health care, still lack living wages and sick leave. No. We sent you into battle without armor, so to speak, and you fought for us — now we have to change that.”

Whew long quote! Take a visual break:

"Pussy Stares Back", 2019

Conceiving yourself, conceiving the future:

A jew, a muslim, and a christian walk into a 3 bedroom apartment in September. A pandemic hits in March. There's no joke here, it's just really fucking hard. Me and my roommates are all weighing and balancing the slim data and facts with our own moral compass about how to abide by the societal expectations while staying human. I've had a handful of moral dilemmas and existential crises within the past month, trying to make everyone happy and safe. I've also tempted myself to think about other living situations where I'd be happier. But I think it's fair to say each and every one of us is exhausted and pushed to some edge with our respective living situations. And each and every one of us has to take care of ourselves first, because it's truly all you can control. 

Frank Snowden wrote a book on Epidemics and Society that I

~did not read~

but his interview on how pandemics change history reminded me that a personal mental shift is under tow for all of us.

"The way that we respond very much depends on our values, our commitments, and our sense of being part of the human race and not smaller units. When Bruce Aylward, who led the W.H.O. mission to China...was asked a question very similar to the one you posed, he said that the major thing that needs to happen, if we are to be prepared now and in the future, is there has to be an absolutely fundamental change in our mind-set. We have to think that we have to work together as a human species to be organized to care for one another, to realize that the health of the most vulnerable people among us is a determining factor for the health of all of us, and, if we aren’t prepared to do that, we’ll never, ever be prepared to confront these devastating challenges to our humanity."

Ok, am I just going to quote articles and practically ask that you do homework reading? I mean, kinda! Am I being preechy?! Lil bit!

But I'll also share that I had my own ego-death where I realized that my personal needs and desires are not more important than the most vulnerable member's of our society. I know I know, this was ostensibly always a good moral to hold, and I've heard it before, but I truly internalized it. Like a plump buddhist, I let go of my desires to end my suffering. I count my blessings and fortunes. I watch the world spin by, then I step back from the news for my mental health. I think about how individualistic American society is and how so many people truly aren't taking this tremendous societal pause to re-evaluate their role in that very society.

I think about the vast social disparity and how this pandemic is deepening it, but also how this moment is a chance to build a better America.

I also still cry, binge-watch Netflix, send memes like it's my job, and meow back to aforementioned cat-fiancé so it's not all so enlightened and serious.

THINGS I LOVE THAT KEEP ME GROWING & COPING

• I generally dislike podcasts cus I can't stand talking heads, but I'll gobble down anything Jenna Wortham and Wesley Morris, two cultural writers for the New York Times, talk about because they're succinct and warm: Still Processing
• Erykah Badu said, "I'm so confused, you tried to trick me" in this Tiny Desk concert and this is how I feel about most things, like patriarchy!

• I know you’re at home and I know you have Netflix. I’m not telling you how to live your life, but if you haven’t seen “Homecoming” directed, produced and starring Beyonce, have you even LIVED? If you have been misled to think Beyonce is just about ass and no talent, check yourself with this documentary following her artistic endeavor to give a world-wide platform to HBCUs (Historically Black Colleges and Universities), black feminism, and iconic ass-shaking because actually there's nothing wrong with it (sounds like a you-problem if you don't approve ass shaking).

• Another equally beautiful endeavor of the human soul, but far from popular culture is “The Color of Pomegranates", a soviet-era art film full of surreal, poetic imagery.

   

That's it! Bless your heart if you read all this. If you have thoughts, connections, questions, or just a yummy bone to pick with me, let me know! I’m 27 and would love if growth didn’t stop here. 

We'll keep talking about what's "normal" soon. Til then!