•  Semi-Valentines Greetings • 

Last summer I paid $10000000000 to have a birthday party for my kid at an inflatables place. A few days before the party I began to sweat the whole goodie bag situation. I asked a witch friend, whom I consider to be more on the traditional, rule-following side, what she thought about piece of shit #1 vs. piece of shit #2 as a goodie bag treat.

You’ll never believe what this radical bitch suggested: "Why don't you just skip goodie bags?"

And reader, I did. I was so excited by this approach that I even had a comeback, ready in advance, for when some six year old inevitably stepped to me asking where the goodie bags were after being entertained and fed for two hours. Ready for this one?

“Your memories of this experience are the goodie bag.”

My theory is that goodie bags are from the olden days when we had to sit around and watch the birthday child open their gifts. It was torture, but at least you got a finger puppet monster and a paper fan to take home. Nowadays kids, at least in my circle, open their presents after their friends go home.

So why do we need goodie bags anymore? We don’t. Come on, f those kids. Their whole lives are goodie bags. If you’re still on the fence about doing goodie bags at Valentine’s Day, keep this rant in mind.

Speaking of Valentine’s Day, not long ago a friend online posted the prompt “Love Is…” and some witches filled in thusly:

...knowing that you should put on the TV when your partner is in the thin-walled hotel bathroom, and vice versa.

...when your husband unclogs the toilet (that you clogged).

...encouraging your husband to go on a 3-week business trip that is clearly a thinly veiled brovacation.

...Dairy Queen Blizzards with Oreos. And wine. For dinner.

...him making my coffee every single morning and driving out of his way to go to the only store that has the gluten free beer I like. And me getting up with him at 5:15 three days a week to exercise because he really needs to get healthy and de-stress and won’t do it alone.

...a Notre Dame boy agreeing to do Shabbat and and Hebrew school and Hanukkah at our house and...

...getting up with our daughter at 4 a.m. so that I can sleep. Also, falling into a set of drums on the dance floor because he "was distracted by my boobs."

May someone, anyone, be that distracted by your beauty today.

<3 Claire

Y R Spouses • #PracticalGifts

Health • The Dirt on Handwashing • By Sheila Sheridan

Ever since my first child came screaming out of me 11 years ago, my hands have been constantly dirty. They are filled with disgusting and disturbing substances I couldn't even fathom before.
 

In my 20s, I thought of my hands as utilitarian tools. They could always be relied upon to turn on the TV or grab my favorite book from the bedside table. My hands were masters at sliding and tapping a computer mouse to find the perfect clip art for my third PowerPoint of the day. And, they could enthusiastically grab a bottle of beer at 1 am, confident in their grip because all I had to wake up for was brunch, anyway.
 

I used my hands for so many productive — and unproductive — activities, yet I rarely thought, “I really need to wash my hands.” Maybe after using the bathroom. And definitely after touching a suspiciously sticky El seat.
 

That all changed with children. Suddenly, my hands touched poop — regularly. Cleaned up spit-up multiple times a day. And have even been known to form a makeshift receptacle for projectile vomit that nobody saw coming.
 

My life changed completely. I was now washing my hands a billion times a day not only at a sink, but also with wet wipes, hand sanitizer and — in a pinch — whatever absorbent item was closest to my reach.
 

I naively thought that as the kids grew, the disgusting things I’d have to deal with would slow. But no. Burp cloths have morphed into tween socks. Dirty diapers are gone, but jockstraps are alive and well. Bottles and baby food have been replaced by the detonated bomb the kitchen turns into when the kids decide to “help” cook. And the slime. I curse the inventor of slime!

I have zero words of wisdom regarding how to keep your hands clean around kids. It’s a fool’s task.

Instead, I’ve found something that makes handwashing pleasurable: delicious-smelling soap. It's easy. It brightens my day.

And — because it smells so distinctively — I always know when my dirty kids skip washing their hands after using the bathroom.

Sheila Sheridan is a Chicago-based writer and photographer. She’s always in search of the next adventure — Follow her on Instagram and Dare To Do It All: Dare Big. Dare Small. Dare To Do It All. In case you were wondering, her favorite hand soap is Mrs. Meyer’s Basil.

Food • Attainable goals

Kids • Wild at heart

My 6-year-old has a heart murmur. It showed up, went away, and came back, so Dr. Ben recommended we take our kid to a cardiologist to make sure that it’s nothing, which it appears to be. Along the way I was surprised to learn that 50-90% of kids will have a heart murmur at some point between birth and age 18.

A heart murmur isn’t a disease: the murmur means blood is moving through the heart especially noisily.  This can be caused by a number of things, most of them innocent.

If they are so common, why do they feel like such a big deal? I asked Dr. Ben a few questions:

How much should parents freak out when they hear their kid has a heart murmur?
I say heart murmurs are like a freckle. 99% of freckles that we see on exam we don’t think need to have anything done about them. 1% of them you see a dermatologist, and even then with 99% of them, it’s not anything.

If they’re so common, how do you know which ones need to be checked out?

The intensity is one reason: sometimes you put on your stethoscope, and you hear it clear as day, or sometimes it sounds harsh, with a grating sound. A heart murmur in someone who is feeling out of breath or who has chest discomfort is a more significant detail. And when there is a family history of heart attacks or stroke, hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (disease of the heart muscle), we need to refer.

Why do heart murmurs come and go?

One reason is the size and orientation of the heart—much like a lot of different parts of the body, as children stretch out vertically, the heart organ takes on a new orientation.

The other thing that can change is a child's body composition. Skinny kids like your son have a very short distance for the noise to be transmitted from the inside to outside. As your son gets to be a bigger guy and has large pectoral muscles or as girls develop breast tissue, there’s more distance for any noise to be transmitted.

Another common reason I see them come and go is when I see a child who’s sick. Faster heart rates can lead to more turbulent blood flow. It’s very common for kids to have a heart murmur when they have a fever.

Why was my kid referred to the cardiologist?

We heard his a few years in a row, and it changed in intensity a little bit, which may have been a factor with a skinny kid with a thin chest wall.

What's an example of something more serious that a heart murmur might reveal? 

I had one patient, a child who was adopted, who had a newborn screen that was normal, and all of the documentation I obtained said there was no heart murmur. When I saw the baby at a month old, the murmur had a pretty noticeable 3 out of 6 intensity. The baby had some significant stenosis, narrowing of the pulmonary artery, and is now being followed by a cardiologist. Children with that will eventually need to get that heart valve opened or replaced.

My son's cardiology visit was uneventful. The doctor recommended that we come back in a year or two to double check. How essential is this follow-up?

He ended up not needing that cardiologist per se, but he needed the evaluation based on what his exam had taught me. Over a pediatric lifetime you want to get this closed up because if you have cardiomyopathy, theoretically, if you do something like scuba diving and he has a blood clot that it gets thrown into the other side of the body, and he could have a stroke. 

There are countless patients I just followed their heart murmurs until they went away. They’re really common. I have 4 or 5 patients a year that end up having a murmur that is something other than an innocent murmur.

If it’s so common, why do parents freak out about it so much?

Because it’s the heart. Parents have a hard time compartmentalizing memorable things that might have happened to someone in the family, like a heart attack. My usual explanation is just that this is something I want to monitor, and if you can’t sleep tonight, go see a cardiologist just for peace of mind. Of course that can be more difficult depending on the insurance, whether you can choose any doctor. But sending a child to a cardiologist to rule out the justifications for why a heart murmur is taking place is something that doctors do all the time.

Werk • Wait! This story has no headline!

Why did my email program give me a “Did you mean to send this message? It has no subject line” warning, yet fail to provide a similar heads-up when I accidentally forward an Outlook meeting invite to a manager (instead of my co-worker) with the note “what a waste of time”? I asked some witch friends to come up with electronic warnings they would actually appreciate before sending and posting messages: 

"Did you mean to add this conservative grandpa to your secret Facebook group for feminists?"
 

“Do you really think this is ‘Wow Face,’ or are you just unsure of what else to say?”
 

“Did you want to like this person’s photo, or are you just low-key Facestalking them?”
 

“Did you mean to use this many ‘justs’ and exclamation points in this email to a client who is 90 days late in paying you?”

“Did you mean to Reply All in a message telling people to stop using Reply All?”

“It sounds like you’ve been drinking. Are you sure you want to send this email to your high school boyfriend right now?”

“Did you mean to send this text to the person you are complaining about, rather than the person you are complaining to?”

"Is your keyboard broken? It's just that this is in all caps and has no punctuation."

(For the olds) "Are you sure you want to forward this? It's quite racist. Maybe check Snopes first."

“The cloud data and content of this email confirm that you clearly slept less than 6 hours last night. Please try again after a nap.”

“We notice that you didn't respond to the last 3 emails from your mother-in-law. Would you like to create a filter?”

“You already have 3 polka dot sweaters you don’t wear. Did you mean to order another?”

"Did you really mean to Reply All, or are you about to step in some deep shit?"

“I noticed you clicked *UNSUBSCRIBE* — did you want to subscribe your nemesis to this content instead?”

"Do you mean to send THAT attachment? Because that sure as fuck feels like the wrong attachment."

“Do you mean to send this nasty response to a colleague in another department? Let me suggest a trusted work friend who can vet it for you first.”

“Did you mean to like your own post?”

 Y R Spouses 2 • Y Is Valentines Day

• End Credits •

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This issue is brought to you by the act of spending some of your human time on earth in the greeting card aisle choosing the right Valentines for your children and spouse to get credit for. 

 • One Witchy Thing •