Why Do So Many of Us Blame Ourselves After a Loved One Dies?

Such a lovely piece... and worth reading if you feel guilt, blame or any of those heavy uncomfortable feelings we can become burdened by after a loved one dies.

"Bereaved people can make the radical decision to validate what Neimeyer calls the ‘grain of truth’ in our guilt. To accept those unmade visits or undialled calls, without judgment, and imagine what it would look like to be worthy of love, forgiveness and compassion anyway. ‘Life is not simply black or white, good or bad. I am not either responsible or irresponsible,’ Neimeyer says. So it’s helpful to ‘recognise that paradox and ambivalence pervade every moment. Every relationship. Every event.’ Including the death of a loved one."

Am I Always Going To Be Triggered By Stuff?

Yes, Yes You Will Be.

Did you believe that emotional regulation means being calm, or unaffected all the time?

You're not meant to be emotionally regulated all the time. Being dysregulated can help us, here's why:

Sometimes your emotions need to be dysregulated:  when someone disrespects you, violates a boundary, or when you're heartbroken, dysregulation is actually a healthy sign that you're connected to your own experience.

Being regulated doesn't mean that you're always calm. It means you have periods when you're full of rage or sadness. No human being is meant to be calm at all times.

Dysregulation is actually emotional energy that needs to be moved through the body. Screaming into a pillow, hitting a punching bag, going for a long walk or sitting on your couch sobbing; all these help us to release that energy and return to a parasympathetic state.

Denying our emotions, numbing out (in all the ways one can), or simply pressuring ourselves (inner critic anyone?) to be or feel 'something else' is just suppression.

Our body needs to feel and release on a regular basis. Having the ability to regulate your emotions means that you can express all emotions and then recover from them. 

It's a healthy sign that you have many times during the course of your day where you are not calm or feeling grounded. This shows that you're not on autopilot or in a freeze state. Sometimes people who appear to be always calm are actually just dissociated. They can't feel anything.

Feel the emotion. Move your body. Cry it out.

This is how we regulate our emotions. 

~ With thanks and acknowledgement to the Holistic Psychologist. 

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Shifting from Emotional Management to Emotional Connection

And, while we are on the topic... here also is a short Instagram video on "Mutual Triggering" in relationships and what to focus on for less of it! It takes a shift from emotional management to emotional connection. Yes... being committed to the connection rather than to the other person. That's a really wise perspective shift. Click below.

How Not To Explode!

Somatic Exercises for Anger, Anxiety and Dissociation

Better than journaling? Maybe! ...and if you're feeling triggered (see above) these are good techniques to protect the people around you (as well as yourself) from unchecked reactivity. Go grab yourself a nice thick tea towel and a big sheet of thick paper. Give them a try and see how you feel after.

Important Note: There is nothing wrong with healthily expressed anger. Anger 'acted out' is not so OK, and tends to complicate matters and at worst, do damage. Learning these sorts of techniques means we can learn to express anger in a healthier way.