There’s a risk when writing a non-fiction book that, as you learn more about the subject of your book, the things you have written may become outdated or even irrelevant. More likely, you simply come to regret the way you presented or communicated certain information. That’s what I’ve been struggling with recently. I slipped down this rabbit hole while listening to a brilliant book, The Power of a Positive No. The author, William Ury, explains the importance of respect in facilitating high-quality connections with others and that mutual respect is a prerequisite to resolving conflicts and negotiating with others while holding firm to our own boundaries. He noted that the word respect comes from the Latin re meaning “back” and specere meaning “look at” - so respect literally means to look back (or often) at one. He went on to explain that we show others respect when we look at, see, and pay attention to their point of view, even when we don’t fully agree with it. This is something our children deserve. Thinking of respect in this way reminds us that it’s not conditional; when we respect them, we respect them all the time, not just IF or WHEN they do or say something we like or agree with. Resentment and disconnection are often the products of an imbalance in the level of respect we show to one another.
So what does this have to do with The Disintegrating Student? It got me wondering how well I covered the concept of respect, or how badly I overlooked it. I went back to my book and counted how many times I used the word, and to my utter amazement and distress I found that I used it only four times. Only four times! Aretha Franklin uses it more than that in a two-minute song, and she even spells it out.
While I do expound on key elements of respect in the book, such as active listening, empathy, trust, unconditional love, communication, and connection, if I were writing it now I would include a section dedicated to respect, because it is the underlying foundation on which healthy and productive relationships are built. Respect deserves its own section because it can be a tricky thing for parents and children to establish and maintain. Respect from our children is expected, and sometimes demanded, by parents. And, while I agree it’s a goal of parenting to raise respectful children, it’s equally imperative that parents reciprocate in kind. A parent giving off an authoritarian vibe - my way or the highway - will run the risk of undermining the communication, trust, and connection between themself and their child.
The takeaway from this is an invitation for you to think about how respect is playing out in your family. Maybe discuss with your kids (and parenting partner) what they think respect means and how they give and receive it. This may prove enlightening and offer an opportunity to practice showing up as your better selves for each other.
(I’m not sure if it makes up for only including the word respect 4 times in my book, but I managed to use it 16 times in this 500-word blog!)
Be well. Be safe. Be hopeful.
