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Hi there!

Welcome to Oli’s world! Whether driven by curiosity or by need, we’re excited that you have joined our growing community of parents and carers who value a more inclusive future for their children. We know that parenting is the world’s most rewarding job, but, let’s face it, also the most challenging one at times. That’s where we come in.

Our eighth newsletter talks about reinforcing positive behaviour and how it can help kids do well and feel good about it.

They say, “all press is good press.”  With celebrities, this means that they would rather be gossiped about than fade into invisible irrelevance.  The truth is that this is also true of our children.  Even though they don’t necessarily realise it at the time, our children would also rather get negative attention from us than none at all.  With our busy daily lives of trying to juggle everything all at once – careers, relationships, friends, household duties, and parenting -  we all fall prey sometimes to merely going through the motions with our kids without really giving thought to the messages that we are sending them with our own behaviour.  

I am Emily, a Clinical Psychologist at Oli help, and in this newsletter I want to share with you some important points:

Praising positive behaviour in children reinforces good habits rather than unintentionally encouraging negative attention.

The "catch them being good" strategy can help parents actively notice and praise desired behaviours.

This approach is particularly useful for neurodiverse children who may face an overwhelming amount of negative feedback ultimately affecting their self esteem.

Our 5-step ‘how to praise’ guide, will help you effectively motivate your child, so they do well and feel good about it.

Whilst this approach can be challenging at first, praising consistently will help improve the parent-child relationship, increase child confidence, and live an easier life!

As parents our own behaviour can unintentionally encourage negative attention.

Just last night, I was cooking dinner, focussing on not burning the chicken as I stirred the rice on the hob, while my daughter quietly did her maths homework at the kitchen table.  Then, when asked, she dutifully cleaned up her schoolwork and set the table for our family dinner, all while I silently finished cooking, occasionally checking my phone as the pings of texts and DM’s came bouncing in.  The next thing I know, seemingly out of the blue, she and her sister are shrieking and shouting over who gets the blue glass and, “Why did you make that face at me?!”  Of course, these ghastly noises immediately got my attention, and I snapped into action, separating them, shushing them, and refereeing their spat.  So far, so typical.  But here’s the thing: I had just accidentally given them the message that as long as they are cooperative and quiet, I will ignore them, but as soon as they act out, they get my full attention.  Not exactly the message I want to be sending to my children! Definitely not with my psychology background!!!

“Catch them being good” is a proven approach to reinforce positive behaviour and make kids feel good about it.

So, what’s an alternative option?  “Catch them being good!”  Look for and praise the behaviour that you want to see more of, and – here’s the hard part – ignore the annoying stuff you’d like to see less of.  (We’ll talk more about ignoring later.) When we notice and compliment our kids for doing and saying things that we like, we are reinforcing those behaviours and increasing the likelihood that they’ll keep up the good work.  “I really like the way you came straight home from school and immediately sat down to get your homework done before dinner.”  “Thank you for setting the table.  I love that I only had to ask you one time.”  “I really appreciate your help.”  Any or all of these statements not only would have: 

• made my daughter feel more confident and proud of herself, 

• but also it would have strengthened the bond between us.  

This is especially important with neurodiverse children, as they often get a lot of negative feedback and comments at home and school.  All that negativity can potentially take a toll on their confidence if there’s no balance in hearing about the positive ways they behave and contribute.  The key is being very specific about exactly what behaviours you like, rather than general, generic comments like “good girl,” or “well done.”  As a result, the child knows exactly what action she did that you want to see more of and she can then do it again on purpose.  Another tip is to praise and compliment during the behaviour or quickly after, especially for younger children, who really need that immediate feedback.

The effectiveness of praise comes with training… including parent training!

Not that I want to compare our beloved, precious children to animals, but it’s sort of like training a dog to sit.  When we got Penny, our Pandemic Puppy in late 2020, like all new dog owners, we needed to teach her to listen to our commands both for her safety and also so she was less of an annoying lunatic!  If you’ve trained an animal, you’ll know that as soon as they complete the behaviour you’re asking them to do – sitting, for example – you’re supposed to immediately give them a treat to eat.  In that way, they know that if you say “sit” and they put their bottom on the ground, they will get a delicious reward, so they are more likely to do that again the next time.  And the more times you repeat that with the puppy, the stronger the connection between “bottom on the ground” and “delicious treat” becomes, making her more likely to do it again and again.  It turns out we humans work in much the same way; we are all just animals, after all!

How to praise

To make sure this new process goes as quickly and smoothly as possible, we’ve come up with a simple 5-step guide:

1. Notice and narrate - If you don’t know how to start, then pay attention and describe what you see! It’s a great start that will tell your child that you noticed.  For example, “I noticed that you tidied up your room”

    

2. Be specific - Instead of vague statements like "good job," be specific about what they did well. Letting them know can help them replicate the positive behaviour. For example, say, "You did a great job cleaning up your toys on your own."

    

3. Focus on their strengths - Identify and praise the child's strengths and unique qualities. Focusing on the process can also boost motivation and self-esteem.  For example, "I really liked the way you stored the toys - You organised them so well!"

    

4. Be timely - Offer praise as soon as possible after the positive behaviour occurs. This helps the child connect their actions to the praise.

    

5. ‘Be consistent - Don’t make praise a one-off and keep it going! Create a positive and supportive environment for the child, and you will see results more quickly.

Let me be clear, this business of praising positive behaviour is really tough for us parents to remember to do at first.  It definitely wasn’t how many of us were raised, and it most certainly doesn’t come naturally to most of us.  But I do know that if we commit to trying to change OUR behaviours in this way, that everyone wins in the end.  The relationship between parent and child improves, children feel better about themselves, and as parents we feel less irritated and frazzled, leading ultimately to a happier, more peaceful home.  Give it a try and keep us posted on how it’s working for you.

Are you ready to catch ‘em being good?!

If you enjoyed our newsletter, let us know and invite a friend to subscribe or perhaps share this one in your class parents' chat!

Have a question? Have some feedback? Want to share what’s on your mind? Contact us directly on info@olihelp.com as we’d love to hear from you.
 

Love,

Emily

Our newsletters are written with the contribution of the clinicians in our team and backed by evidence-based research. We are not a substitute for clinical or medical advice, we’re here to help you make sense of kids’ diverse minds and help you evolve your own behavioural patterns.