February is the month that we focus on expressing our love for others, so what better time than now to talk tips for strengthening relationships with your tweens and teens through positive communication.
Why is it that even the most mundane interactions can be riddled with arguments, frustration, and miscommunication? As we know, teens do in fact have a different way of looking at things and processing emotions. We can blame some of it on hormones and that darn pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and decision making). But we have a part to play in this too, Moms.
At this time, it is natural for our girls to be creating space and working on their own autonomy-defining who they are. We know that in all phases of our lives, contrast is what helps us all to fine-tune and define who we are, what we want, and where we are heading. So, we need to give our girls permission to experience this contrast.
One problem is that we tend to overestimate our teens because of the knowledge, experience, and perspective that we have as adults. We feel disappointed when our girls can’t keep up. My clients ask me all the time “Why do my parents expect me to have it all figured out? I can’t figure it out if they don’t let me!” Don’t fret Moms, I do always remind them that your number one concern is keeping them safe and thriving. To top it all off, our emotions sometimes get the best of us too, because our tweens and teens are experts at pinpointing our vulnerabilities and pushing our buttons.
So, what steps can we moms take to strengthen our relationships and communicate more positively with our girls? Here are some thoughts.
· Active Listening- Listen more than you talk-Drop your agenda- Listen with only one goal- to empathize with your daughter’s point of view and reflect understanding back to her.
· Mirroring- Reflect back in your own words what you have heard - “Do you mean? Are you saying? What I am hearing is…”.
· Validation- Help them label their emotions to diffuse them-“ I understand why you must feel, it must be hard to feel, I can see that you were disappointed when…”
· Ask permission to share your thoughts, advice, or experiences- “Would you like me share my thoughts? Would it be helpful for me to share my experience?”
What if emotions are running too high? Agreeing to step away and revisit the conversation after a period of time can be helpful too when emotions are running high. “I can tell that you/we have more to talk about, could we agree to discuss this more in an hour?”
The number one complaint that tween and teen girls have is that they feel overlooked or misunderstood. Remember that respecting and honoring each other does not mean we are always in agreement, but it certainly helps us to feel more valued and loved.
Many of the girls I work with have experienced an improvement in communication with their siblings and parents. Reach out if I can support you too. ginnymoylan@findingyourfirefly.com
