NUMINOUS LANDSCAPE

Weeding out the fear of fear itself

26th June 2022

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At least a year ago, probably more, I bought some wood panels for painting on. One of which was larger than any panel I had previously worked with, measuring 40 x 40 x 5 cm. It cost around £15 to £20. The panel sat in the cupboard until I began work on it shortly before the summer Solstice this year. It was often on my mind to begin, but never was the timing right. No big deal. It was just another piece of work that I would get to one day. I didn't regard myself as someone who was particularly apprehensive about making work, I always seem to have ideas, to know the several next pieces I want to make. But all the while I was beginning other new images, I was only further delayed starting on this panel. 

At a certain point it suddenly occurred to me: I had put off working on this panel, because of fear. Fear that it would not go well, that I couldn't do it (£15 to £20 worth of) justice, that I needed to wait until such time as I felt a successful outcome would be guaranteed. Then something quite unexpected happened, rather than shame, or inadequacy, I felt genuine relief. "Ahh, I'm just afraid, that's all it is!" In my mind the panel had grown to 4 square metres over time. I was amazed how small it was when I finally got it out of the cupboard. 

The key thing here is that I was simply not aware of what the problem was, or that there even was one. It's always the way. We think we are past something, and then there are yet more layers of doubt, resistance, and self-sabotage to peel away. 

What has particularly struck me about this, was the power of realising it for myself. I see this as an example of something really becoming conscious. The proof that something really has shifted, is that I can sense the release of energy from this conflict, something has become freed up. This has the important quality of experience to it. For example, up until the point of realising the fear, I was aware on some level that I was putting it off, but was not in touch with the real reasons why. So in some respects it was like finding out something I already knew.

(I can't recall ever talking explicitly about my work as an Art Psychotherapist in these messages before, but I intend to bring that a little more into the foreground from now on)

It is this that brings me to think of psychotherapy/psychoanalysis (it is a broad spectrum, so I speak only of the kind I value, and am interested in). There are occasions where it can be important, even necessary, for a therapist/analyst to point something out which they feel they have noticed about the client (by 'client', 'patient', or 'analysand', I simply mean the person who is not in the role of 'therapist'), but the client cannot see in themselves, or is aware of but actively seeks to avoid (this isn't restricted to supposedly 'negative' aspects, the same could happen with a latent capacity for creativity for which there has never before been an empathic mirror, or witness, for example). But there are many other occasions where the aim is to support the patient in the exploration towards their own discovery. Generally the relationship (between client and therapist) has a quality of finding out, and the therapist continually learning from the client, rather than the therapist telling the client what they (think they) know about them. I see the role of the therapist as collaborating (but not colluding) with the client, the aim being to arrive at a place from which the client can reach insights about themselves and their experience. To be 'told' about yourself, given advice, or provided with a solution by the therapist, could be seen as being given something. But in another sense something very important is being taken away, and that is the experience of realising. It has a quality of depth to it that can really change things.

I have heard it said that poetry is the act of 'overhearing yourself say things that you didn't realise you already knew'. Perhaps this also applies to some of the most transformational aspects of psychotherapy. 

"Acknowledging fear is not a cause for depression or discouragement. Because we possess such fear, we also are potentially entitled to experience fearlessness. True fearlessness is not the reduction of fear; but going beyond fear."

- Chögyam Trungpa

Not all fear is equal, and I am only talking directly about our individual capacities for resistance, self-sabotage, holding back, often without realising we are doing so. I don't intend to say that fear is always easily dismissed either. But in certain situations, this being one of them, simply seeing fear for what it is can dissolve it, breaks the spell. In this context fear has an illusory 'something and nothing' quality to it; the panel instantly returned to its actual size, from fear inflated dimensions. Now the real work can begin, by asking what does this fear mean for me? From where did it arise? And in so doing, having a better chance of spotting its formative stages in future, before it solidifies.   

Here (above) is the piece in its current state today. The panel has a depth of 5cm, and I have been surprised at the different sense of presence that this lends to the image, even at this stage. I plan to resist temptation to add further layers of paint, because I like how the grain of the wood is showing through, giving texture and depth. 

As the subtitle states, I would prefer that these communications are 'musings', rather than definitive statements, or essays drawing a conclusion. I could delve more deeply into 'fear and the creative process', for example. But what I am after here is more like stalking something, following a trail of associations, the story held within the wider narrative of all these 'newsletters' over time, rather than neatly summed up. I am trying to work something out, by working through, in the hope of coming up with decent questions that can be carried forward, rather than finding answers. In the best case scenario, to paraphrase Stephen Jenkinson, finding questions that survive all my haphazard attempts at answering them. 

C.Trungpa - Shambhala, The Sacred Path of the Warrior

S.Jenkinson - Unremembered, but try Die Wise, A Manifesto for Sanity, and Soul, or any number of conversations which can be found online.

Inspirations

James Victore

The atmosphere is thick with motivational guidance for doing one's 'own thing' these days, but some people have a knack of putting things across in just the way you need to hear them, in order for something genuinely useful to be received. In some sense there is nothing particularly groundbreaking about it, but perhaps that is the point, and why it is effective. Rather than waffle on for page after page, it is a distillation of learning through experience, which is what gives it potency. And this is also a person who does appear to walk the talk.

In certain respects it's not really my bag, and I catch myself occasionally thinking I 'shouldn't' like this. But that is also precisely why it is necessary and valuable for me. This chap is of a different temperament, coming at me straight outta Texas, and like a cold glass of orange juice there is a zesty quality about him which I find refreshing.

I feel we all benefit from the right amount of contact with things that help to bring out of hiding the various parts of ourselves which, for one reason or another, have been ushered to the back of our inner ensemble. It's the classic case of asking oneself 'what is it that I don't seem to like about this person, and/or what they are saying, and can I find any traces of it in myself?' It is about going beneath the face value of something, so rather than it being a simple case of agreeing or disagreeing, the attitude is one of enquiry, 'what do I notice in that regard, how does it show up in me?'

On personal reflection, perhaps I feel a little uncomfortable with this man's confidence and swagger, and part of me might like to brush it aside as his hubris, arrogance even. That would be an easy get out, letting myself off the hook, and a way of avoiding something which might be important. I am not obliged to agree with, or to become like this person. But what could it say about my relationship to confidence, and swagger? Maybe I am not entirely at home with my own versions of that.

And in this it strikes me that there is also a significant paradox at work. Could it be that a certain predilection for 'quietness', even 'shyness', also contains something of its opposite? If in some circumstances these qualities have come to dominate the inner landscape, have pushed their way to the front, ahead of other capacities. How does this serve me? How does this limit me?

As Robert Bly puts it so succinctly, 'every part of our personality that we do not love will become hostile to us.' And that possibility really does seem like something worthy of fearing, and therefore trying to act accordingly. 

R.Bly - A Little Book On The Human Shadow

Mary Oliver

I have included Mary Oliver here because in the context of what we have considered above, her work, and her outlook, really speaks to me of seeing through fear, by way of compassion. Perhaps in our culture, 'compassion' may have a slightly fluffy edge to it at first glance, but really there is nothing soft about it at all. Like Bly suggests, it calls us to respect what may at first seem quite unworthy of affection, to have self-compassion, but not in an indulgent sense. This is not here as a lighter, more poetic counterpoint to Mr Victore, but as a different angle on strength, and being true to one's inner compass. 

The image of the book will link you to an enriching conversation with Mary Oliver. 

Thank you for reading