I don’t want to be the main character today. You can keep the episode title. You can stop writing this story for a moment. I’m exhausted. I need rest and I can’t continue to carry my TV show day in and day out. Please take the camera off me and put it on someone else. Let someone else’s story be told and for fucks sake give me a break.
I want to just lay low and hide in the background. I want the embrace of a blanket on the couch with good company next to me. Quiet warm comfort. I don’t want to be the main character right now because things aren’t funny. They aren’t enjoyable. It is hard. I don’t want to deal with it. I just want to sit and be okay. Not every week needs to be filled with plot but, still I long for it to.
Even if I try to sit, I still hold tight on to being the main character. When the lows hit, I want nothing to do with the story but, those highs. Those high moments are some of the best drugs I have ever taken. Those highs take my breath away. They stitch pure happiness into every muscle of my body from my smile to my heart. It emulates out into the world. I also don’t want to give up on the starry-eyed dreamer of a main character. I don’t want to miss out on that love story that fills me with so much emotion that tears begin to fall down my face. The tears that come when you are overwhelmed with emotion, that powerful drug of emotion. I don’t want to miss out on feeling the joy of being around the other main characters and getting to share their story with them. I don’t want to miss out on life. I’m not going to give up the learning, the exploring, and the living.
Right now, I want nothing to do with the main character but, I know I still am my main character. I want to be it because there is so much to live for and experience. The comforting thing is, this episode might suck but, I know the next episode is just one away.
