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Hi there!

Welcome to Oli’s world! Whether driven by curiosity or by need, we’re excited that you have joined our growing community of parents and carers who value a more inclusive future for their children. We know that parenting is the world’s most rewarding job, but, let’s face it, also the most challenging one at times. That’s where we come in.

Our ninth newsletter talks about ignoring negative behaviour and how to make sure it’s gone for good.

Some of you may have read the newsletter we wrote in November about seeking out and praising your child’s positive behaviours in order to increase the chances that they will keep repeating those behaviours in order to please you.  We talked about how this has several benefits, including increasing the children’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth as well as improving the quality of your relationship with them.  This is a great way to encourage your children to engage in behaviours you want to see more of, such as saying please and patiently waiting their turn to speak.  
 

But what can we do about behaviours that we want to see less of?!

I am Emily, a Clinical Psychologist at Oli help, and in this newsletter I want to help you wipe out negative behaviours from your life:

We’ll introduce a strategy called ‘planned ignoring for dealing with unwanted behaviours like whining, interrupting, or bickering. 

Planned ignoring involves ignoring these behaviours consistently, making children realise they won't gain attention through such actions. 

The approach is not applicable to unsafe behaviours, which should be addressed immediately. 

Planned ignoring can be extremely effective for behaviour ‘extinction’, in other words getting rid of undesired behaviours for good!

Our 5-step ‘how to ignore’ guide, will help you wipe out negative behaviours with love and firmness

Consistency is key however - extinction after all doesn’t happen overnight!

Ignoring unwanted behaviours is the first option, the best one in fact.

When our kids are acting in irritating, unwanted ways (think: whining, interrupting, bickering with each other), it’s actually best to ignore them completely.  When we overlook the annoying behaviours, children eventually realise that they’re not going to get our much-desired attention.  They get bored and the behaviour trails off, then stops.  The fancy word for it is ‘extinction’ – it dies away! The key ingredient to note is that you must be consistent.  You can’t cave in and shout or complain, or they will only be emboldened and learn eventually that they will get what they want.  
 

[It’s important to note here that this does not include unsafe or dangerous behaviours, such as running into the street, or even activities such as playing online too much or on websites that are inappropriate.  Those types of behaviours should indeed be addressed directly, immediately and consistently.]

Who needs whining in their life? But how resilient are you to wipe it out completely?

Let’s take whining for example.  I don’t know about you, but when my children whine, it’s like nails on a chalkboard, sending shivers down my back.  Mind you, it’s not dangerous or unsafe, it just makes me want to tear my hair out.  Needless to say, I want to discourage this behaviour in my children.  So, I’ve actually trained myself over the years not to respond when they whine.  A while back, when they were old enough to understand (about 2 years old), I started saying to them firmly but lovingly, “I am happy to speak to you when you use your normal voice, but if you use a whiney voice, I’m not going to respond.” And then the key was that I had to follow through consistently on my words. 

Of course, it didn’t take long until they were grating my ears with whining again, at which point I had to steel myself, gently remind them, “I’m going to ignore you until you use your normal voice,” and continue about my business until they eventually did stop whining and instead spoke to me in their normal voice.  Mind you, this process is not for the faint of heart – deep in my soul, I wanted to scream, “STOP WHINING!” But I know that nagging and shouting definitely doesn’t work to change kids’ behaviour.  So, I persisted with the ignoring (most of the time – no one is perfect!), and slowly but surely over weeks and then months, their behaviour started to change, and the whining decreased.  Long term investment = long term benefits.

How to ignore

To make the extinction process quicker (whilst building your resilience skills), we’ve come up with a simple 5-step guide:

1. Choose just ONE undesired behaviour to ignore at a time. Be sure it’s an attention seeking behaviour, not a cry of distress. Pick the most disruptive, as long as it’s not an unsafe or dangerous one (think screaming and whining, not kicking and biting).

    

2. Let your child know what you are going to ignore and why. For example: “When you scream it hurts my ears and makes me angry. So from now on if you need me, I’m going to expect you to speak to me in a regular voice. If you scream, I won’t answer”. After that initial explanation and perhaps one reminder, no more discussion.

    

3. Start ignoring the undesired behaviour when it happens. Turn away, remove eye contact and get on with what you are doing. You are not allowed to comment in any way and avoid non-verbal responses too (no big sigh or eyes rolling!).

    

4. Give positive attention as soon as you see appropriate behaviours replacing the undesired attention. For example: “Well done for asking me the remote control with a regular voice. Here it is”. You are allowed to overdo the praise but maybe caution with candy or other material rewards.

    

5. Be ready for the burst -  it’s going to get worse, before it gets better! This isn’t for the faint hearted: just keep ignoring it, wherever it happens. Be consistent and keep going!

Teaching our children how we as their caregivers, as well as the people in their wider circle (family, school, community members), want and need them to behave is a years-long process.  Children are not born knowing the expected rules of society.  They need to be taught – often over and over and over again! – how to act appropriately both in the house and out in society.  The most effective way to do this is lovingly, firmly, and consistently.  

Please let us know how you get on with the extinction of negative behaviours.  We love hearing that kids have stopped whining!

If you enjoyed our newsletter, let us know and invite a friend to subscribe or perhaps share this one in your class parents' chat!

Have a question? Have some feedback? Want to share what’s on your mind? Contact us directly on info@olihelp.com as we’d love to hear from you.
 

Love,

Emily

Our newsletters are written with the contribution of the clinicians in our team and backed by evidence-based research. We are not a substitute for clinical or medical advice, we’re here to help you make sense of kids’ diverse minds and help you evolve your own behavioural patterns.