5 Things the Nitrous Mafia Doesn’t Want You to Know
We’ve all heard the boisterous and boastful ‘hiss’ of the nitrous tank- “Buy me! Inhale me! I’ll make this the wildest night in a ditch you’ve ever had!”, it announces to every wook within earshot. “ICE COLD PHATTIES!” “1 for $10, 3 for $20!” they shout, enticing you to part ways with the twenty dollar bill you just used to snort some coke. And while us here at The Daily Dream are not at liberty to confirm nor deny whether we ourselves have enjoyed our share of certain substances, we thought we might provide a little public service announcement, and hopefully help to show you the dirty secrets that the nitrous mafia doesn’t want you to know. (#4 will shock you!)
Don’t be a Custy
If you’ve spent even ten minutes in the lots outside of a Phish concert, you’ll know all about a magical place, known as “Shakedown Street”. I am confident you will also be familiar with the mantra “3 for $20, NO DEALS!!”. And I know, three massive balloons of laughy-gas all for just a measly twenty dollars seems like the bargain of the century. But don’t be fooled folks. If you have even the most basic of bartering skills, you can easily work them down and maybe even get a fourth balloon for the same price. Pro-tip: if its after the show on Sunday, the dealers are usually extra happy to make a sale, so do yourself a favor, don’t be a custy!
Have a Gas-Buddy
Having a friend you can trust is usually a good idea regardless of your planned activities, but when consuming nitrous oxide, it’s an especially smart practice. Trip-sitters, as their known, come from a tradition as old as time in which one consumes an, often psychedelic drug, hoping to go completely bat-shit crazy and lose their goddamn mind, needs a co-pilot to safely guide them through their cosmic journey. Important to note, make sure your trip-sitter isn’t going to be taking the same drug as you-at least not at the same time, well, depends on their level of experience-look, we don’t have time to get in too deep with all the details right now, just remember, the more friends involved the merrier. To play it as safe as possible, definitely make sure you’re not alone when doing nitrous and thank me later. I hear you ask, “but why wouldn’t the Nitrous Mafia want me to have such a precious seed of knowledge?” In my opinion, its because they are simply jealous of how cool you and your friends are.
Lean ‘For Safety!’
Being up against the wall isn’t often the preferred position one wants to find themselves in, but when it comes to taking nitrous, a wall is your best friend. Don’t be afraid of the warm embrace of a loving, caring wall. Walls are wooks’ natural defense against the mystical effects of the cruel mistress we call gravity. However, the more you fall, the more the Mafia is going to laugh their asses off at you. If you find a good wall on which to stabilize yourself, they will feel cheated of the good times your fumbling shenanigans were going to bring. That is: if you haven’t read this Listicle!!
Using Trash Cans IS Cool!
I know, I know. Look, I’m as big a party animal as the next frat bro, which is why I know being seen as cool is not merely extremely important, it’s basically life-and-death. So, for what I think are obvious reasons, the Nitrous Mafia doesn’t want ANY of their custy's looking cool. As soon as people think you’re being cool, they’ll start hanging out with you and distract you from buying more gas. But trust me when I tell you, holding onto your empty balloons until you can throw them in a proper trash bin will not only help keep the streets clean, but will make you seem EXTREMELY cool in the process.
Pairing is Caring
As any certified party freak can tell you, drugs are best done paired with others. One of the many beautiful things about our friend N2O includes its incredible ability to make the high from any drug take you to a whole new level. I mean, I wouldn’t recommend combining it with meth, bath salts, alligator, or any crazy shit like that. I REALLY hope I don’t need to tell you that. The Nitrous Mafia on the other hand, would rather you just stuck to the ‘lloons. Any time spent doing other drugs is time you’re not buying nitrous. Time is money people!
So next time you’re walking by the hissing tanks, you’ll be prepared and won’t look like a fucking dork, or worse; an asshole.
* don’t do drugs
