Happy Tuesday friends!!
This is the third iteration of this newsletter. I had a whole newsletter written out two weeks ago and just couldn’t bring myself to edit and send it. Saturn is coming and making another pass over my natal Saturn, I’ve been having some really intense issues with executive functioning, some big pain and fatigue flare-ups and just generally burnt out. I’m struggling to be the parent I want to be, the friend and partner I want to be, to show up for my business in the way that I want to, to show up for myself the way I want to. It’s been a major rough patch. My car is on it’s last legs and I absolutely don’t know how my spoonie autistic self will handle if it finally gives out. I can’t afford to replace it. Things are feeling pretty grim and stressful.
As much as I want to wallow in the gray-ness, I can’t help but look at some of the silver linings… even going through all this stress I am managing better than I have before. I am able to keep some perspective and be kind to myself, recognize the ways that I struggle just like everyone does and not allow that self-hating voice to take over and tell me I’m a failure because I’m not measuring up to my own standards.
This morning I had a unique opportunity to take a morning bath because my partner had work later than usual and was able to hang out with our three year old. In the bath I let the murkiness seep out (the visual of dirty looking bath water due to bentonite clay helped) and saw this voice telling me that I needed to work harder, do better. I said “no, that isn’t the answer- that doesn’t work, there is no efficiency or sense in shaming myself. I am already working so hard.”
I let those words sit for a moment.
I am working so hard…
And I thought through all of the ways I am struggling to be so many things and do so much- in all aspects of my life.
Even when I am not feeling like the best mom, I am making sure to connect with my son. When he is struggling- picking up on my lack of presence, jumping on the furniture and acting out to get my attention, and when I lose my cool and struggle to gather myself enough to set boundaries with him in a patient and kind way- I am still taking the time after things cool down to explain that just like he has hard days, I am having a hard day and that even when I am feeling frustrated and we are having trouble connecting, I love him so much no matter what. Even when he jumps on the couch. Even when he tells me he doesn't like me anymore (and that I can't ever have chocolate again) because I followed through on a boundary. I can feel the warmth in my heart and I see the relief in his eyes when we are able to repair like that. We have a strong bond I have worked hard to build and some bad days aren’t going to ruin that, as long as I keep showing up for the repair.
Repair, repair, repair.
I think of this so much in accountability work. Being two and a half years into my first healthy relationship, the novelty of repair after conflict doesn’t really get old. These chances to be reminded that everything is okay, that we can be ugly with each other and the love and the commitment is still there are both mundane and profound at the same time. That kind of acceptance isn’t as easy to come by as I wish it was in this world. It isn't something I grew up with. It has a way of seeping into your being and changing the fabric of your universe.
When I repair with my son, even when I am feeling stretched to all ends of the earth, I get to see that these habits I've been cultivating have become new patterns to replace the old ones.
In the bath this morning, I felt like I was making repair with myself. Saying, “I’m sorry I’ve treated you so poorly and held you to impossible standards, and I promise I am here for you and I see you now.”
Showing up for myself and the important relationships in my life even when things are feeling pretty damn bleak is big progress that I don’t want to gloss over. It's not just a silver lining, it feels like a golden, halo lining.
This is my life's purpose I'm talking about. It's not an accident I have started this newsletter and put myself out into the world talking about recovering from the effects of abuse and creating abuse-free communities. It's my most guiding principle and value in life- creating a better world where people can thrive, feel safe, safe enough to tap into their innate ability to heal themselves and others, to self-actualize, to exist co-operatively with others as humans were meant to do. The ways I embody it in myself touches other. I see it in my son when I see the way he loves others- he loves others the way he is loved by the adults in his life, he supports them the way he is supported because that is what is modeled to him. When I see his tenderness, respectfulness, and thoughtfulness, I can directly trace it to the ways myself and the other adults in his life treat him.
And the same thing goes for adults. Since I began dating my partner I have gotten to shift in huge ways because I wasn't being treated like I was crazy and overly-emotional. I have come to have more patience and compassion, more understanding, because the best was being witnessed in me. I have witnessed friends changing the ways they engage with others as they see new things being modeled and feel supported and safe enough to try new ways.
I call them small transformations, but when I look at them in this light, I see how truly huge they are.
So while things fucking suck right now- it is this moment that gives me an opportunity to see just how far I’ve come in my own healing. Things aren't going to stop being hard sometimes, but the way I move through it has changed. That is extremely goals.
To whatever mix of transits and energy is making life so hard right now: I hate you. But thank you.
And I think in the spirit of being kind to myself I am going to keep it brief her. Also wanting to maintain my connection to all of you lovely people following my newsletter, I won’t be neglecting to edit and send you this time. In fact, I am doing it today, Tuesday, the day I am writing to make sure it gets done.
I did have a couple of questions and something I wanted to bring to your attention.
So something I’ve been considering is starting a Patreon- I’ve been dreaming up some monthly content and special packages to offer supporters but I wanted to get a feel for if that would be something followers might be interested in. Incase you haven’t checked out my website before, here is a list of my offerings that I am working into packages available to monthly patrons.
And… I’m not committing to anything here but I HAVE been thinking about starting a YouTube Channel. I honestly can spend hours on YouTube just absorbing information. Lately I’ve been researching hair chemistry, DIY beauty care, and vintage fashion (though kind of bummed there really aren’t enough plus size vintage fashion vloggers). A couple years ago my partner suggested the idea of making YouTubes talking about the stuff I write about and I was like “hmm that sounds like a great idea but also a lot of work” and filed it in the vaults for later. Now I’m giving it more thought and might take the opportunity this summer to explore that...
Just send me an email reply to this newsletter and let me know that you would be interested in any of these things. :)
Things are pretty rough financially with car and medical costs that have come up lately (I’m not even pursuing getting my laptop fixed- its just not in the cards, so I’ll be borrowing my partners for the foreseeable future), I’m making a significant dent in the student loans I tucked away for summer and I’m feeling nervous about my ability to keep up on bills. That’s why I’m considering some other sources of income for myself. I’ve also added a “donate” button to my website for folks who are wanting to support the work I am doing. Other ways to support are of course to boost my transformative justice school, book a service or consultation with me, or tell your friends about my work.
I have made an event for the 2019/2020 Linden School cohort on Facebook so sharing it on your wall or marking yourself as "interested" helps boost it in the algorithm.
Any support at all I’m grateful for. And if you don’t have the spoons or bandwidth for any of that, just reading this and knowing that you’re appreciating what I’m putting out is it’s own reward. So thank you, no matter what your capacity and contributions are, I deeply value you. <3
Alright loves. I hope you’re having wonderful and restful (almost) summers and G-d willing I will see you in your inboxes in a couple weeks.
Blessings,
Artemisia