As a community, we know the value that Jewish overnight camps have
in our lives and the positive impact they have on our children's Jewish identity. With Divorce affecting upwards of 40% of Jewish families across the United States and Canada, many campers this summer will be in some stage of this challenging life transition. There will be parents just beginning the process of separation or already divorced. Some children will have two homes or be part of single parent families. With many unique factors to take into consideration for these campers, we would like to share with you our perspective at
DIVORCE THROUGH A JEWISH LENS
We hope you will also share with us and with our wider community
the lessons and tips you have put in place in your Jewish Organization
that will help best support our youth impacted by divorce.
"The happiest place in the world"
-12-year-old camper, child of a hostile divorce
Amicable or Hostile?
There is a wide spectrum for separation and divorce.
Depending where a family falls on this spectrum, the stage can be vast in so many aspects. If it is possible to determine the dynamics of a camper's circumstance, we can all best help that camper with situations that crop up over their summer experience. It's always important to remember that one parent may want amicability, but the other parent may act in a hostile manner, thus dictating the dynamics.
Staff Training
Camp Staff may truly have the greatest impact on our children's lives.
I know this personally for myself as my parents went through their separation when I was 15 years old. My camp counsellor that summer, wow, did she ever take the time to listen to me, to see where I needed her to fill a huge empty space, to make camp the solid "family" I needed in order to get through my own family's divorce in a healthy manner.
The more education staff receive on the unique challenges of each camper's family situation, the more they too can be that touchstone and that rock.
Being sensitive to language and topics that will include a place for children whose parents are at the beginning of separation, living in two homes, living with only one parent, has a step-parent and possibly blended family makes every child feel welcome.
Communication
Email Communication to Parents:
Does your camp check to see if parents want to receive emails addressed to both of them or separately? If not, can your camp develop your email system to accommodate these needs?
The "First Letter":
Can your camp have an option for a camper to write two
"first letter" home to be sent to each parent,
being mindful that the camper may choose not to, because he or she doesn't want to seem "different".
Counsellor's Letter to Parents:
Can counsellors write duplicate letters to send to each parent?
Depending upon their dynamics, parents may not share the letter(s) that counsellors write to update them on their child.
Camper Drop Off and Pick Up
With these being such sensitive times for all, staff are generally on high alert to make sure all campers are feeling welcome and comfortable.
Always keeping an eye out for those who may be looking "torn" between two parents who are not united, can open up an opportunity for staff to defuse the situation. This may be by just taking a few extra minutes spent with the camper by their side as a "support person". A Staff Training topic for sure:)
Visitor's Day
The challenges that camps face for Visitor's Day for divorced parents is a long standing subject. It truly depends on the family dynamics. Many camps are more than happy to accommodate for one of the parents to visit on another day. This is wonderful but does have some drawbacks; the camper then misses that day's activities with their cabin, along with possibly feeling "different" than the rest of their cabin mates.
-Can there be ways to set up Visitor's Day to accommodate the needs of parents who are not comfortable "visiting" together?
-Could a staffer be designated to spend extra time with the family to defuse the dynamics?
-Could a single parent be "matched up" with another family in their child's cabin so as not to feel "alone"?
-Does your camp have other innovative ideas that address this problem? Please share with us and we will get it out to others.
TRICKY TOPICS
Right To Information Upon Request.
We all seem to have heard from some divorced parents, "I'm paying all the fees, I don't want you giving out any information to the other parent".
This can feel reasonable, especially in a hostile divorce and especially if only one parent is paying, but in most circumstances this may not align with the law in your state or province.
The Right to Information of a Child generally
allows either parent access to information about their child upon request, even if the paying or enrolling parent says no.
There are situations where this would not apply (i.e., specified in Court Order). Many organizations we have worked with are unaware of this law
and can be put in a very uncomfortable position if it needs to be addressed.
We do recommend that your camp reaches out to a
Lawyer who specializes in Family Law to fully understand your obligations in your jurisdiction to mitigate any issues that may arise.
Parents Separating While Kids At Camp
Summertime can be the season when many families choose to separate, as parents may feel they are shielding their children from challenging transitions, such as one parent moving out of the family home, or selling the home and moving to a different one. Although parents think they're keeping their children's best interests at the forefront, some campers will return home at the end of the summer to different lives. They may be returning to parents telling them that they are getting divorced, or to new homes where they have not been part of the process of being able to say goodbye to their old house, or coming home to a completely new room that they were not part of setting up. In these situations, camp can become
their stable and familiar home.
-Is there an opportunity to educate parents, potentially though camp communications during the year, how powerful their timing can be for campers who have just returned from their "happiest place in the world"?
-Is there an opportunity to ask parents if and what changes their child will be coming home to in order for your staff to best support this camper with the transitions?
We would very much like to hear how you deal with these situations
in order for us to share with others in the community.
FINAL NOTE
As camp is a home away from home, you, and all of your staff,
hold a special place in these children's lives.
This relationship can be utilized in an incredibly meaningful way to support your families who are going through separation and divorce.
Your feedback would be so greatly appreciated as our goal is to best support our special community.
Warmly,
Lynn
Lynn Kaplan
Founder and Lead Consultant
