Proposed Updates
by Lesley Ohmann, NBRF staff writer
I was told recently told by an acquaintance whom I had directed to the NBRF adoption application that we “would probably get more first-timers if the application were shorter or less involved.” I, of course, laughed. I then went on to explain that we take this responsibility very, VERY seriously and added that I would actually like to see a pop-up questionnaire with an essay section for those new to, or less familiar with, the breed. I would volunteer to review and make recommendations based on the responses.
The following are a few of my example questions:
*How much time have you spent time with an opinionated three year old? Please provide a general overview of the experience.
As those who have done their research know, borzoi are Independent Thinkers. Let’s further define that nomenclature. “Independent” means that borzoi will occasionally take your expressed directive as a mere suggestion. “Thinkers” means they will mull over your request and, when they’ve come to a decision, have THEIR people contact YOUR people with proposed changes. There are times when your statement will be summarily dismissed all together. You will need to find the humor in the situation and then reconsider your approach. It’s best when they think it was their idea. Plan to put on your thinking cap…because these ain’t herders.
*Is ‘Belly Flop’ on your bucket list?
While not an absolute certainty, there is an above average chance that while walking your borzoi, a cheeky woodland creature will make the determination that they have a chance in a footrace against the gorgeous creature at the end of your leash. Your borzoi will gladly accept that challenge. Many the situationally-aware sighthound owner has, to their surprise, gone full Superman. The upside is it’s an excellent way to meet new people…as this surprise launch rarely happens without an audience.
*Have you ever dreamed of becoming a TSA officer?
This is a legitimate question because, over the years, our door has become a critical checkpoint for both egress and ingress. A few of the items I have collected before they could be carried outside includes, but is not limited to: slippers, an oven mitt, an entire bunch of bananas, one 8 ft carpet runner, a loaf of wheat bread, a roll of paper towels. Outdoor contraband seized before it could be brought aboard: assorted variety and sizes of branches, a live (and immeasurably chagrinned) bunny rabbit, a partially shredded coconut fiber welcome mat, the southbound end a shrew, and one frozen turd that, backlit by a full moon, resembled a Cuban cigar both in outline and the way which it hung off the lip.
*Are you passionate about vacuums/vacuuming? If yes, explain. If no, click the 'X' in the upper right corner to exit this form.
A common question is “do they shed?” The answer is “Oh, honey….” We’re not talking about random, errant, individual hairs clinging to your britches; this is a Mauled-by-a-Mangy-Yeti level of shed. These days, I can give expert advice on makes and models of vacuum cleaners with a Consumer Reports level of performance analysis with cost benefit. The number of times I have broken down, cleaned, and reassembled a vacuum is comparable to a career law enforcement officer and their service weapon. I can actually hear a clog forming on a Dyson from 3 rooms away. If corduroy and tweed are your favorite fabrics, plan to dress in your car.
*How do you feel about being the center of attention?
Everywhere you take your borzoi, people will be drawn towards you. They are powerless to resist the gravitational pull of this breed. It usually starts with a pair of brave teenagers and, next thing you know, you are addressing an audience. You better pack the breath mints and have some fun facts on Russian history in your arsenal because you WILL become an ambassador for the breed.
*Tell us what you know about the famed Tower of Pisa?
At different times in history, the angle of lean has ranged from 0 to 5.5 degrees. It is currently at 3.99. Likewise, the *Borzoi Lean* ranges in angle based on individual borzoi and their present mood/need. The Borzoi Lean can mean many things such as: I love you, You’re my person, I trust you, I missed you today, I’m checking on you, I need your full attention, or You’re 8 minutes late with breakfast and I’m passing in and out with hunger. Similar to the weight of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Borzoi Lean can feel like 14,000 metric tons. While it sometimes happens at inconvenient moments, (like perhaps when you’re trying to sign for a delivery, you’re discussing options with the Whirlpool repairman, or you’re carrying an extremely heavy punchbowl full of crystal cups through a narrow space), it DOES provide an excellent opportunity to pause and wrap your arms around your loving leaner and pepper their noggin with kisses.
*Has a companion pet ever made you feel as if your heart will explode? Assuming a medical emergency has been ruled out, please explain.
Because these dogs, this breed, their character, the shenanigans, their soulful eyes, and their loving temperament will certainly make your heart skip beats.
*Are you willing to be a Keeper of the Butter? If so, please explain. Not sure, allow me to explain.
A traditional Butter Keeper is a smallish crock left on the counter or kitchen island that contains soft butter. A Keeper of the Butter is one who agrees to, or falls into, the roll (pun intended) of becoming the butter’s protector, a line of defense. An unsupervised stick is absolutely irresistible to a counter height borzoi. No one knows why. Borzoi can hear – they can sense – something deep within them stirs - when a stick of butter is placed onto a countertop. If given the slightest opportunity, they will abscond with that butter. It may be a quick ‘stab and grab’ where you turn around to find half a stick of butter with incriminating teeth treads. It could be a total heist where it could be months before you locate the wrapper or tub. The borzoi owner must be ever vigilant. These svelt, tip-toeing hunters can silently make off with the goods quicker than you can say Bob’s Your Uncle.
*Would you be willing to attend Puppy Training classes?
They’re called Puppy Training classes because no one would pay for Human Training classes. Dogs know how to dog. It’s PEOPLE who have to learn how to dog.
I was new to sighthounds and my borzoi was going to be a LARGE one so I enrolled us in Puppy Classes. I mused, “Should we introduce ourselves as the future valedictorian? Nah, probably best to be humble.” (This is called Foreshadowing…)
The class learned several commands in the first few sessions. I learned that I had about 13 minutes before my guy mentally checked out. I thought, “Hmm, maybe I just need better snacks.” I brought a bag of diced ribeye. Yeah, so it wasn’t the snacks. Excitement and focus were going to be on his terms. If there was a long pause in class, it was us. Everyone was wonderful and encouraging and I was…mystified. I did what you do when you’re trying to figure things out. I began questioning everything. “Are borzoi even structurally capable of ‘down?’ With the deep chest and the long limbs or… is my dog broken? Maybe something is wrong with him. Maybe something is wrong with me.” I called to let Puppy School know that we would not be back.
Feeling deflated, I walked into house mumbling. I tossed the gourmet snack-steak into the fridge. I said, “Give me a sec, buddy, and I’ll unhook the leash.” I turned. He was sitting. I nodded. He came over and went into a glorious down. I laughed and cried and dropped to the floor to hug his neck. He had learned it all. Cue my attitude adjustment.
We returned to Puppy School. As was our norm, he flopped onto the floor during the end-of-class Promenade. And as usual, everyone had to detour around us. Rather than feeling stressed, I held that leash and did my best parade wave, giggling like crazy, as our classmates pranced by. Most were laughing and some even gave me high fives.
We weren’t Valedictorian. We did not even graduate. BUT, if there had been a Best Dressed or Most Likely to Make You Smile award, my guy would have won. Most notable, I learned a LOT about how MY dog ‘dogs’ in those Human Classes and therefore highly recommend! (Best check your ego at the door though.)
Ok, WISH ME LUCK with the Board on my proposed application addendum. Fingers crossed!
