A few days ago, we were just like you: genuinely considering if we could afford a Peloton, promising that we would start wearing actual clothes and not 2020 Jeans aka sweatpants everyday, and green juicing in order to have the colon of a newborn babe. 2020 was so bad that uttering the phrase “New Year, New Me” was almost, and we mean almost, socially acceptable as the year came to a close. 

Then 2021 came in, said hold my drink, and took us on the emotional rollercoaster of a lifetime in just one short week: a Kimye divorce, Georgia’s declaration that it’s blue dabadee dabadie, and an attempted coup that looked as if Lord of the Flies and the people who pose with fish they caught on their Tinder profiles collabed. Is Damien Chazelle in the room? Because we have whiplash. 

January may be associated with new beginnings, but it’s really a two-faced bitch. Ancient Romans named the month after Janus, pictured as a man with two heads, one looking forward and one backward. He is the god of transitions (hopefully peaceful ones), beginnings, gateways, time, and endings. In this edition of The Lit Review, we look to our faves of the past, ignore our chaotic present, and get excited, terrified, and lukewarm for the culture of the future.

Enjoy. We love you, you’re very special. 

Xx, 

The Spynsters

Jayne and Kyra's Excellent Adventure

Since Janus first looks backwards and our present is like, a mess, we’ll go back in time and recommend our favorite films and TV shows either from or reminiscent of past decades:

• 1910s - Peaky Blinders (2013 - Present): Sometimes you just want to watch men in three-piece suits fight.

• 1920s - The Great Gatsby (2013): Zone out to visuals of Carey Mulligan rocking a short bob and reminisce on what it felt like to party.

• 1930s - It Happened One Night (1934): The original romantic comedy with fast-talking dames, thin lil moustaches, and a NSFW knee reveal that stops traffic.

• 1940s - Phantom Thread (2017): Get lost in the House of Woodcock. Beautiful gowns, beautiful gowns.

• 1950s - Back to the Future (1985): Watch Marty McFly travel back to the 50s and almost have sex with his mom. 

• 1960s - The Young Girls of Rochefort (1967): Catherine Deneuve and Francoise Dorleac sing and dance their way through their pastel French town. Gene Kelly tap dances. Also, there’s an axe murderer subplot.

• 1970s - Klute (1971): If you’ve grown attached to Donald Sutherland’s eyebrows in The Undoing, here’s your chance to reunite...or you could start a new hair affair with Jane Fonda’s shag. 

• 1980s - Wet Hot American Summer (2001): Bradley Cooper rocks a snug Lacoste polo, Elizabeth Banks and Paul Rudd lick each other's faces, and Elliott Stabler befriends a talking can of vegetables on the last day of camp in 1981.

• 1990s - Kids (1995): This one’s heavy.

• 2000s - Jennifer's Body (2009): What could be a more 2009 than Megan Fox saying “it smells like Thai food in here, are you guys fucking?” while wearing a cropped zip up hoodie?

• 2010s - Spring Breakers (2012): After watching this, it’s completely normal if you find yourself vibing out to Skrillex while repeatedly saying the words “spring break” with a thick southern accent to your cat. Stars Gabriella Montez, Alex Russo, Gucci Mane, and the girl from Pretty Little Liars who bought a sex bench with Cara Delevingne.

Spynster's New Year's Resolutions For 2020's Best and Brightest

This one goes out to all of our celebrity friends who we definitely know and are friends with and talk to all the time. Cheers to the new you, lil bbs!

• Hilaria Baldwin: Will give her uterus a year off and claim her ancestry is actually part Na’vi.

• Joe Exotic: He’ll take his talents to SeaWorld and reinvent himself as Joe Aquatic, the whale-riding bandit. 

• Beth Harmon from The Queen’s Gambit: Hope she stops playing chess on the ceiling and invests in a skylight so she can watch the stars and give that beautiful brain a break :’) 

• X Æ A-12: Will telepathically communicate to Grimes that he would like to go by Bill. Just Bill. 

• Emily from Emily in Paris: This girl really needs to fix herself, but a nice start would be learning not to say the hard “r” in “Bonjour.” 

• Timothee Chalamet: Will break the cycle of playing the same whiny Fuckboi™ in every movie he’s in. 

• Jessica (the woman who fed her dog wine and then drank from the same glass) from Love Is Blind: Honestly, her life seemed pretty together. No changes for Jessica.

NEW MOVIE ALERT!

Janus, two-faced bitch that he is, looks to the future for hope, and boy do we need it. Here are the upcoming movies that we are excited about, terrify us, and just plain perplex.

Hi Yes Hello We Like You

• Nomadland: After suffering during the Great Recession, Frances McDormand travels west. What I wouldn’t give to put a sidecar on that RV. 

• The Many Saints of Newark: Excited to see a pre-Prozac Tony Soprano. Even more excited to see if young Pauly Walnuts has the same skunk-like bouffant hairstyle and fear of ghosts. 

• Last Night in Soho: More Anya Taylor-Joy bopping around looking beautiful in the 60s? I’m hooked. 

• Candyman: Never have I been more terrified listening to “Say My Name” then when it plays in the trailer for this film. AND Jordan Peele is involved. Need we go on?

• Zola:  Yes, this is the movie that’s based on THAT Twitter thread about strippers in Florida. Nick Braun, hot off the success of his last musical effort “Antibodies,” raps Migos’ “Hannah Montana” in this sure-to-be acid trip of a film. 

Go Away 

• Cinderella: Brandy’s Cinderella is the only Cinderella we recognize. If Shawn Mendes doesn’t make a cameo as a fat, dress-making mouse we will riot. 

• Snake Eyes: I already know that this is a movie I will be forced to watch by a male.

• The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run: Unless this is at all related to Beyonce and Jay-Z’s “On The Run,” the world does not need yet ANOTHER SpongeBob film.

• A Quiet Place Part II: After the tomfoolery of the first movie trying to tell us that a woman giving birth alone in a bathtub would barely make a sound, we’re done.

IDK How to Feel TBH

• Dune: Timothee Chalamet wants us all to forget about The King and try his hand at leading man once more, but will it be a dumpster fire, or a mega dumpster fire? Here’s hoping our Emmy-winning queen Zendaya can do something about it. 

• Space Jam: A New Legacy: Because the argument about who's a better player wasn’t enough, LeBron James, aka the Kid from Akron, is going to try and fill the shoes of MJ off the court and on the silver screen. No word on if Lola Bunny is attached. 

• The Boss Baby: Family Business: I (Kyra) can’t believe I've actually seen the first Boss Baby, and surprisingly, I did not hate it! I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little (baby-sized perhaps?) excited. 

• Pinocchio: We were scared of the donkey island in the original. Now Guillermo del Toro is directing his own version. Will Pinocchio’s eyeballs be in his hands?

NEW ARTICLE DROPPING THIS WEEK 

On theme with the old and the new, be on the lookout this Wednesday, 1/13, for Grant MacFaddin’s deep dive into how the pulp fiction of the past has been resurrected in our present through shows such as The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and Lovecraft Country.

ICYMI - Past articles for you to check out.

• What Would The Characters From “The Devil Wears Prada” Order at sweetgreen?

• Pass The Plate: Delicious Entertainment or Rotten to the Core?