Since you’ve started to read this, let me ask you to rewind a few seconds – did you read the subject line and say to yourself I should read this? I bet that dozens of others had the same thought – that they should read this – yet scrolled past and did not, but perhaps with the intention of doing so later.
Therein lies the challenge with using the word “should”. It may have served as a motivator for you to start reading, but for many others it added another should-but-didn’t or should-but-won’t encounter to that ever-growing feeling of not being or doing enough.
As I’ve said many times, words matter, and this one matters more than we realize. I noticed how often I was telling myself what I should do while on sabbatical, which completely defeated the purpose of what I was trying to accomplish. These thoughts felt counter to the sabbatical’s intended purpose – they made me feel bad. Each “should” felt critical and full of judgment rather than encouraging and motivating.
The question becomes how can we maximize the motivating aspect of “should” and minimize the paralyzing critical side of it? The answer is we simply need to follow the “should” with a question. Why? This will help clarify if, and what, the benefit is to acting on the "should".
I should read Jeannine’s newsletter.
Why?
Because I have enjoyed them in the past.
Because she’s my friend and I want to support her by showing interest in her work.
Because I’m curious about the topic.
Because I subscribed and it’s in my inbox so I must want to/should read them.
Because she may bring it up and I don’t want to offend her that I didn’t read it.
These are some of the possible answers to the question of why someone might have thought that they should read this newsletter. Based on the benefit ascertained from asking why, it’s easy to see which ones would be more likely to result in the decision to read it and which ones may contribute to a shameful, inadequate feeling of not enough - I-should-but-won't.
And, consider how the expectations (the "should"s) from the adults in our kids’ lives (parents, teachers, coaches) may be contributing to not only unhelpful “should”ing, but also to the often associated perfectionism. I have heard thousands of “should”s from students over the years. I should take this AP class. I should study more. I should spend less time on my phone. I should sleep more. I should ask for help. I should use my calendar. And so on and so on.
Questioning my “should”s has been an interesting and ongoing challenge that is yielding positive results. Maybe it’s something that appeals to you, too. Try to catch the “should”s in both your self-talk and in your communication with others (particularly your children). I’m convinced this word matters and is worthy of our attention.
Be well. Be safe. Be hopeful.