Author's Note:
I am not sure how to say what I am about to tell you. I am numb, angry, exhausted, confused, and lost. I am in a constant state of panic. A piece of me is missing.
My sweet mom is with Jesus now.
Yesterday, I announced this unreal news on my Instagram, so some of you already knew this, but I wanted to share a little more intimately about how I feel.
I will share very minimally what went on for the past year because, in a very small way, you have been with me through a good portion of this terrible, terrible year. Most of what I have written here has been inspired by the serious pain me + my family have endured these last few months and you read what I had to write. I thank you for that. I also pray that you have gleaned at least some comfort from these newsletters as I encouraged myself with God's sweet, sweet Word.
In the simplest terms, my mom suffered (and I mean this literally) from a very aggressive, disgusting, straight-from-the-devil-himself tumor. She was in excruciating pain every minute of every day. Not once did she complain or curse God, though. She is the strongest woman I know and trusted God through the entire process. She made every decision. And she still thought of us over her through it all. I am proud to be her daughter and honored that I got to take care of her. I would do it all over again 1,000 times.
I don't understand why God didn't heal her. I don't understand why He allowed this to happen in the first place. I will probably never understand, and I have to be okay with that because there is no other option other than trusting God, because He does work ALL things together for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Let me make this very clear, though - God did NOT take her. He did not give her this tumor. He did not do this to her. The Bible says very plainly in John 10:10-11 (KJV), "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep." I know this to be incredibly true. The devil did this. I just don't know why God allowed it. This wasn't His will. I can't tell you how many times I have said "I don't know" regarding this circumstance in the last 3 weeks. I don't know why she had to go before Christmas, before New Year's, before my life has even started. My kids will not know their grandma. That fact alone makes me sick, weak, and puts me into a constant state of panic. The rest of my life will look like I am lost in a department store and I can't find my mom. That's the best way I can describe it.
But all is not lost and all has not ended. I still have an encouraging fact for you. It's still God's Word and it's still true, but now applies differently for me: God will never leave you, nor will He forsake you. EVER. He loves you. He loves me. Whatever you are going through, it may seem like He is very far away right now. It may seem like you've been abandoned or ignored. I am not going to lie, that is how I've felt since my mom passed, but I am thankful that feelings don't always line up with the truth. I know God has a plan for me. I am young and have an entire life ahead of me still. I must live it for Him and for my mom. It's the least I can do for my Lord and Savior and for the woman that brought me into this world and sacrificed so much for me.
I am now living an unfamiliar life. I don't recognize it. I probably won't for a very long time, but I will persevere because I am carried by Jesus, he alone sustains me, and he will deliver me. He has overcome the world, anyway (John 16:33)!