WELCOME to the first issue of Cup of Jo, a newsletter that combines mindless chatter with writing updates! |
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The fact that it's December got me thinking about Christmas, and thinking about Christmas got me thinking about Santa, and thinking about Santa got me thinking about vampires. (That's a logical leap. Is too. Is too. Is t--whatever.) Anyway, it occurred to me that there's a good chance Santa is actually a vampire. There are a few things about him that strike me as suspicious. Disclaimer: If you have warm, loving feelings toward Santa that you'd like to maintain, you should probably skip this article. |
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Feature Article: Why Santa is Really a Vampire |
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- He’s forced to deliver his toys at night because he’ll burn in sunlight.
- He lives in the North Pole because it’s dark six months of the year...perfect for a vampire that abhors light.
- "Santa" is an anagram for ‘Satan.' This doesn't mean Santa isn't a decent fellow; it's just worth noting.
- He’s impervious to the cold.
- He wears a red suit to hide the blood. (Blood really freaks out the elves.)
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Okay, that list was a bit...dark. But--in investigating this matter further, I also determined that Santa, despite his creature-of-the-night status, is probably still a good guy. The rest of this is speculation only, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. - Santa feels a little guilty for drinking blood, so he withdraws only a few drops from each child he visits. Kids' blood taste so much fresher and yummier than adults', and he enjoys having a sampler platter of diverse blood types from all over the world, hence his journey around the globe every December 24th. But, he knows what he's doing isn't cool. So he leaves each child a gift and fills up their stocking as a way of saying "Thank you for that delicious bite of you."
- The cookies and milk are a ruse Santa employs to convince children he's somewhat human. The reindeer actually drink the milk, and he brings all the cookies home to the elves. In Santa’s workshop, Christmas brings forth the ultimate all-you-can-eat cookie buffet.
- Santa chooses to collect blood only once a year, every December 24th, that way he doesn’t have to terrorize humanity throughout the year like his vampire acquaintances.
- As careful as Santa is in hiding his indiscretions, sometimes a drop of blood or two will spill on him. He wears the red suit so the elves will never know what he’s up to, and to avoid scaring the children in case they wake up and catch him. (It’d be pretty scary to wake up and see a fat jolly man covered in red splatters.)
- Reindeer are required to pull his sleigh because it is heavily loaded with blood vials collected from children from all over the world. Horses are not strong enough to do the job, and reindeer are natural to the North Pole environment.
- “Normal” vampires are the ones who dubbed Santa "Saint Nick". They use the name derisively because they view Santa Claus as a sissy (the same way meat and potato guys view vegans). After all, what kind of real vampire takes only a few drops from his victims, then leaves them a toy? Only a saint--and a weird one at that--would do such things.
- The mockers chose Saint “Nick” because only the tiniest 'nick' is required for Santa to acquire blood from each child.
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So there you have it! Irrefutable evidence that Santa Clause is indeed a vampire. Be sure to share this information with the naughty children in your life. ❈ |
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Spring of Crows The final book in the Chasing Echoes series is moving along! Draft #1 is currently at 90%, and things are getting exciting in Death Valley for the Aevos sisters. The book is on track to be released in winter 2021 (maybe earlier). |
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Apathetics What's life going to be like after the Chasing Echoes series? Well, I've started drafting a standalone dystopian novel with the working title Apathetics. This one's a little darker than my norm. Check it out here! |
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This month, Chasing Echoes is getting released in Greece! Check out the Greek cover to the left, which loosely translates into THE HUNTING OF ECHOES. I am wondering what Celene Publishing intends to do about this excerpt though: Um...huh? I can’t say for sure what expression was crossing my face, but it had to be priceless. Stryder may as well have spoken Greek. I guess they'll change it to say "Stryder may as well have spoken English"? 🤔 |
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Taz's name seems pretty random, right? And same for Krystal's and Phee's? Well, the Aevos sisters' names were actually inspired by the four seasons. Taz and Krystal were both named after the gemstones for autumn and winter: topaz and crystal (respectively). Phee was named after the mythological bird that rises from its own ashes, the Phoenix, and Aviva translates to 'springlike' in Hebrew. The name Aviva also relates to 'life' in Spanish and Latin (and probably other languages). |
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In honor of winter and Christmas, here's a beautiful, chilling selection inspired by Krystal. I imagine this song to be serenading her thoughts toward the end of Black Lilies as the frost creeps in and she is desperately longing for her missing sisters. |
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Is there a song that reminds you of a scene from the Chasing Echoes series? Email it to me and I'll feature it in a future newsletter. |
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Hope you enjoyed this month's tidbits. See you again next month! |
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