Ava Channeling
TW: the following segment Is in response to anti trans bigotry, and it discusses said actions.
There are Nazis in the streets saying there will be blood. There are murderous Nazis in the streets. Too afraid and small to even show their faces, but there are nazis in the streets. They’re fueled by such a deep hatred and self loathing that they spend their mornings parading in front of queer art performances. They can’t fathom the different, the expressive, the beautiful. They long for a world of control, of sameness, of hierarchy. They wake up crying, there will be blood. They crave knowing where and who they are based on someone telling them. They scream “save me, tell me what to do, tell me who I am. I must be labeled, and if you say your label doesn’t fit, I am forced to question my own.”
They’ve never known love, so they mistake it for control.
There are wars across the world. Famine, fascism, pure hatred. I think that people who want to manifest violence want to feel invincible. They want to feel like they can do and get away with anything.
It’s ironic because I feel that way when I wear what I want, cut my hair and use the pronouns that suit me. This freedom, however, doesn’t inspire me to kill. I remember the first time I saw someone in drag, I thought “If she can do that, I can do that, I can be anything and anyone I want”
What sickness inhabits self proclaimed nazis that they believe others must be killed and controlled to feel this aliveness? And that aliveness to them means such evil? Why is it that some of us see people living freely and are inspired to live, while others see this as a threat to their own experience of the same feelings?
I think they were never loved. I think many of us were never loved, but some of us seek it out while others try to keep anyone from ever feeling it. I think it’s so they don’t feel alone. They probably need the most love out of any of us, but they don’t know love, they only know control. Their nervous system sees love as a threat.
I am angry and I am scared and I don’t know the answers, but I won’t let this hatred inspire me to live in hatred. I don’t want to live in violence and I don’t want to live in separation. I want to feel it all, I want to put love into the world. I want us all to grow, and understand each other deeply. I want this understanding to conjure the deepest forms of respect and connection.
