Happy Harvest Moon Afterglow Shiny Star!
After my grandmother passed, in addition to my grief, I felt a lot of guilt, shame, and remorse. About times we'd quibbled. Times I’d been impatient as she told a story I’d heard at least a dozen times before. Times I was more self absorbed than present with her. In hindsight these things felt trivial and like such a waste of what could have been treasured moments. I longed for the opportunity to make things better. To be better.
One morning several months later my grandfather, whose dementia had begun settling in, walked in our bedroom at 6:00 a.m., woke us up, and insisted we go for breakfast. No plans had been made, and my ex-husband and I had no desire to get up just then, let alone go anywhere. A familiar anger started to rise over the intrusion, and then I remembered my regrets with my grandmother.
It was as if a light turned on and my anger faded almost as quickly as it arose. My heart filled with compassion for this man whom I love so dearly and my heart ached for the loss he must have been feeling at having lost his wife and partner of 58 years.
With a sigh, I told him to give me a few minutes, dragged myself out of bed, and we went. Breakfast w/Grandpa had been a tradition since I was a child. I’m smiling fondly as I remember waffles and chocolate malted milkshakes at the drugstore lunch counter in the 60’s. Only with Grandpa.
Born of the love encapsuled in my guilt, shame, anger, and grief, I was led to a love for my grandfather that played out in a way I’d never imagined. This stayed with me through the years and the things that drove others crazy about his behaviors as his dementia became more pronounced made my heart smile. Grandpa was simply doing grandpa at that stage of his life.
Is there a gift more precious than unconditional love? Both in the giving and receiving? I think not. When I remember to bring it into awareness, in any given situation, it loosens for me the bonds of a whole myriad of emotions brought on by fear and anxiety – guilt, shame, judgments, anger to name a few.
It doesn't always come as easily as it did with Grandpa, and I didn't get everything right with him after that either. It's sure helped though, then and now, in the reshaping and resculpting of my world.
Does this mean my grandmother’s passing didn’t suck? No, it did and it still does. There is not much I wouldn’t give to hear her tell one of her stories - yet again.
What it does mean is that the seeds of love she planted in my heart found their way through and expressed in ways that are teaching me to feel better about myself, to be less of a victim (often of myself), and which allow me to be a more loving and healing presence in the world. In this way, Grandma leaves a legacy that lives on in form as well as in spirit.
Gifts and teachers come in all shapes and forms. Some we recognize readily, some a bit later, and others are more like seeds which get planted until we’re ready to nurture, grow, and harvest them. Some we may save for another lifetime.
Just like love, gifts and teachers are all around us – even in the darkest of times. Fortunately, we don’t need to be aware of them for them exist, and they don’t cease to exist because we don’t see them. They are always there, like love, waiting patiently.
Switching gears ... I've got some new things going on - please see details below!
