The 2017 Mad Bastard Scooter Rally

is in the Books!

Wow! What a weekend at the 2017 Mad Bastard Scooter Rally! More than 70 riders astride an incredible assortment of scooters converged on the city of London this past weekend to enjoy two days of silliness and comradery while riding highly inappropriate machines for the undertaking of a grueling 600 kilometer, single-day rally ride. It was not all nonsense, however, as over $10,000 was raised for the local chapter of Big Brothers / Big Sisters.

Old Vintage Cranks entered a 4-person team - appropriately dubbed "Team Cranky Old Bastards" - to take on this year's challenge. Led by Ken (AKA The Green Bastard), the team was rounded out by oVc service tech Brian (AKA The Lounge Lizard), oVc parts specialist ScottS (AKA Hi-Viz Man), and oVc Webmaster ScottB (AKA Clockwork Orange Guy). The two Scotts were running the Mad Bastard for the first time while both Ken and Brian are suckers for punishment returning veterans.

We're happy to report no injuries to any participants, but despite best efforts, not everyone who set out at the ungodly 4AM start time managed to finish the rally. These unfortunates must now wait a full two years for a chance to redeem themselves at the 2019 rally. In the meantime, they must bear the stigma of a “Did Not Finish” status now attached to their name.

To be fair, completing the rally is no easy feat and it is with great fanfare, and no small measure of pride, that we can tell you now that all four Cranky Old Bastards successfully crossed the finish line, with all mandatory checkpoints along the route completed, and within the required 20 hour time limit! Even so, this is not to say that there weren't some adventures along the way.

Brian and the two Scotts were aboard new 100cc SYM Symbas (the Heavily Medicated class), while Ken was piloting the 150cc Stella sidecar special. Because of the Stella’s larger engine displacement, Ken was bumped up into the Therapy Required group.

Festivities officially began Friday afternoon as riders assembled at the Four Points Sheraton in London. Excitement at the prospect of what lay ahead rose to a feverish pitch as participants completed last minute decorations and adornments to their chosen rides.

Secure that their “extensive” pre-rally prep work had everything in order, there was really nothing left for Team Old Cranky Bastards to do but pose confidently in front of their machines.

Team Cranky Old Bastards

Photo courtesy of Mondo Lulu

Following the Friday evening group dinner, rally co-masters Sabina and Carol Anne revealed for the first time, details on the super-secret route that would comprise this year’s rally. The course would consist of four mandatory loops for a total of 535 kilometers, plus a bonus loop of 120 kilometers for those eager to boost their final score.

As in the past, there would be several challenges along the route including location specific trivia questions. These would require each rider to stop at the designated site and follow a series of clues to obtain the correct answer to the corresponding trivia question.

Dinner concluded with an official group photo at which point riders raced back to their rooms to study the various maps and to try to get at least a few hours’ sleep. Breakfast was scheduled for 03:45 AM with the first bikes setting off a mere fifteen minutes later.

Bastards! Mad Bastards everyone of them!

Photo courtesy of Motogirl_Jess

Jolted awake by the 3AM wake up call, team oVc assembled downstairs for breakfast and a quick strategy session. Because the smaller 100cc bikes would have a head start on Ken and his larger Stella, it was decided that Brian and ScottS would scout out the route while ScottB would ride with Ken and the team would reassemble later on during the day.

This seemed like a fine plan, but as the team would soon learn, fate also had a plan.

The mist was thick and the damp air made it feel even chillier as the first wave of riders gathered in the departure area. One -by-one, riders were sent out and with headlights struggling to cut through the thick fog, the 2017 Mad Bastard Scooter Rally was officially underway!

The weather conditions made for a frosty start to the rally, but it did warm up quickly once the sun started peeking out from the eastern horizon. It was actually very serene trundling along the back roads – well, serene apart from the sound of straining scooter engines, but quite lovely nonetheless.

When it somes to being a long-distance scooterist, Brian is outstanding in his field.

As the morning progressed, the riders soon settled in to a grove; the temperature was warming, the scooters were singing along with no issues, and it was shaping up to be a beautiful, rain-free day perfect for putting some serious miles on these willing, little scooters. Sadly, none of this was to last.

Stopping for one of the required location photos in Parkhill.

Once clear of London, the route turned north towards Ipperwash and the first mandatory gas stop of the day. At these stops, each rider is required to get a receipt from the service station to prove they were following the route map. ScottB and Ken were doing well and were catching up to Brian and ScottS when things took a nasty turn. While sitting at a red light and feverishly studying his well-crumpled map, ScottB heard a rather plaintive "It's gone" from Ken.

Indeed it was. The Stella had decided to pack it in and Ken was left with little choice but to push the sidecar rig off to the side of the road.

Encumbered as it is with a sidecar, the Stella is not very quick at the best of times, but for the past few miles, it had been strugling and when it finally lost power, it was quickly diagnosed as a fuel issue. Ken broke out the tools and after disassembling the carb and giving it a good cleaning, the Green Bastard was up and running once again.

The Green Bastard decided it needed a little rest midway through the rally.

Unfortunatley, this impromptu service stop cost Ken and ScottB over an hour of lost time which meant unless ScottS and Brian suffered a similar setback, there was no way all four team members could reassemble. But, in true Mad Bastard fashion, everyone soldiered on with the singular goal of crossing the finish line within the time limit and to avoid the dreaded "DNF".

While Brian and ScottS ran with no mechanical issues, they did have a few mishaps along the way. Here Brian is trying to explain to Officer Friendly that no, depsite appearances, he was indeed quite sober and was actualy riding a scooter festooned with various bits of ladies underwear for "charity".

“Honest Officer I’m raising money for charity!”

Fortunately, Brian managed to avoid a trip downtown in the backseat of an OPP cruiser and he and ScottS were soon on their way. The four team members did meet again briefly at the lunch stop and after a quick chat, it was clear that Brian and ScottS were running at a great pace and were excelling at all the challenges along the way.

With a chance for a very strong result, it was decided that Brian and ScottS would continue on at their breakneck pace. With the time lost to the roadside repair and the ongoing cantankerous nature of the Stella, Ken and ScottB were running a bit slow, but were still on track to complete the rally within the time frame. There would be no DNFs for Team Cranky Old Bastards on this day!

Even so, it was not all easy going for the two front-runners. Around the 10-hour mark ScottS was muttering about "just ending it all" before throwing himself on the train tracks. Somehow Brian managed to talk him out of committing trainicide and they continued on their way.

Unable to take any more, ScottS resorts to drastic measures

Meanwhile, with the Green Bastard acting a little less bastardly, ScottB and Ken were back on the road and trying hard to make up for lost time. The ride along the St. Clair Parkway in Sarnia was simply beautiful and the two were in great spirits by the time they reached another required stop at Point Pelee National Park. Mandatory receipt secured, things were really looking up - and then things went very wrong.

ScottB takes the Symba for a little ride on the beach

For some inexplicable reason, every road in the Point Pelee area is named Mersea and  distinguished only by a letter or a number. This was very confusing - especially for two old guys who had already spent the better part of twelve hours sitting on a scooter. The result was inevitable and in no time, the they were well and truly lost.

Even stopping to ask locals for guidance proved fruitless. Frustration grew and this picture captures the very moment when Ken was calculating just exactly how much time he would lose by murdering ScottB and then burying his body in the sand at Point Pelee Beach before continuing along as a solo rider.

Ken has evil thoughts about ditching his partner

Determining that he would lose too much time, Ken decided to hold off on murdering his partner which was a good thing as, eventually, the two found their way back on track. Getting lost did cost them about half an hour or so and it was getting late in the day. Worse still, the sky was growing dark as a series of ominous clouds rolled in from the west and it was decided it was time to wick it up a bit to try to stay ahead of the threatening storm clouds.

This meant passing up on the remaining challenge stops along the way, but it was already too late for this duo to win. Time lost to fix the Stella, finding their way out of Point Pelee as well as a very slow lunch stop, meant that they could not possibly win for their class, but they could still post a respectable time and make it back to the finish line well under the time limit.

Even the inevitable downpour failed to completely dampen their enthusiasm and at the last mandatory gas stop, they realized they were on the cusp of successfully completing the 2017 version of the Mad Bastard. This gave them a renewed purpose and provided the lift they needed to complete the final leg of the rally.

Meanwhile, ScottS and Brian were absolutely flying. Not only had they completed the mandatory loop and successfully completed all the enroute challenges, they were cleaning up on the optional bonus loop as well! Their hard work paid off and both placed in the overall top ten! For those who have not done the Mad Bastard, this truly is a considerable accomplishment and both deserve hearty congratulations!

While not scoring nearly as high in the bonus points, Ken and ScottB did accomplish the primary goal of successfully completing the course. Until you’ve experienced it for yourself, you can’t imagine the excitement of seeing the finish line after more than 18 hours on a scooter while navigating a tricky set of rally instructions.

Well done to everyone who made the 2017 Mad Bastard Scooter Rally a great success – the dedication and ongoing effort of the organizing committee is greatly appreciated and you have our heartfelt thanks. For those who have yet to experience the challenge, you’re next chance to prove you’re the maddest bastard of them all will be June, 2019. You can count on oVc being there.

And to all our fellow rally attendees, congratulations and wear that shirt with pride all you magnificent bastards!