- Context and Analysis of all the Latest Bullshit - vented every weekday by veterans of "The Daily Show" and "Countdown w/ Keith Olbermann" |
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Dec. 8, 2014 Today's Forecast A nor'easter is expected today in the nor'east, bringing a mix of wind, rain, snow and a chance of snow triggering a hailstorm of hilarious climate-change denial on Fox. |
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Your Daily Fucking Planner All times EST, even if something's ever happening in the heartland 11am -- Oral arguments in Supreme Court case on whether Amtrak can fine freight rail carriers for delaying passenger trains. That's right, Antonin Scalia has to choose between helping railroad barons...and making the trains run on time. It's Sophie's Choice! 6pm -- BET special report on race, featuring President Obama. 7pm -- The show "COPS" shoots BET eight times in a "justified use of force." ----------------------------------------------------------------- |
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Today's BFD A group of self-professed Islamic militant scumbags killed American journalist Luke Somers and South African teacher Pierre Korkie yesterday during a US special forces raid in Yemen intended to rescue Somers (it appears the US didn't know Korkie was there). Eleven other people were killed during the raid, including an unknown number of Islamic militant scumbags. And a ten-year-old boy who had the misfortune to have been born and lived in a province controlled by the terrorist group known as Al Qaeda Scumbags in the Arabian Peninsula. It's not clear how many more ten-year-old boys have to die before the rest of the world loves us, but the good news is that there's a new Defense Secretary on the way and he's got a plan... |
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Military Bully Carter Republicans and Democrats alike rallied this weekend around President Obama's nomination of Ashton Carter to replace Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense. Why? Because Carter's not happy about America's military involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan. The US military has been there for 11 and 13 years, respectively. And damn it, that's just not good enough for Ashton Fucking Carter, bitches. It's not that Carter wants us to stay in those countries. He wants us to add more troops there and stay there longer. And hey, guys, there's a whole beautiful world out there just waiting to taste our freedom! North Korea, Syria and North Korea are all on Carter's bucket list. If you're thinking Republicans block everything and everyone Obama wants, rest easy. Carter's nomination has the support of both John McCain and Donald Rumsfeld, whose judgment is imfuckable. As McCain points out, however, Carter might not get much of a say in this administration. But you can bet yer ass things'll be different under President McCain! more: Reuters, Intercept, Bloomberg |
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NEVER BE NOT AFRAID! Thank You, Come Again! The Defense Department yesterday announced that it has released six prisoners from its facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The men were set free after what the DOD calls "a comprehensive review" ordered by the president on Jan. 22, 2009. Sources in the DOD tell The Fucking News that a shitty review would've taken only four goddamn years. The six men--Ahmed Adnan Ahjam, Ali Hussain Shaabaan, Omar Mahmoud Faraj, Abdul Bin Mohammed Abis Ourgy, Mohammed Tahanmatan, and Jihad Diyab--were never charged with any crimes but each had a name that sounded guilty as fuck. They arrived yesterday in Uruguay, whose president, Jose Mujica, also a former political prisoner, wrote an open letter last week advocating for their release and asking if the US was out of its fucking mind. more: Intercept, al Jazeera, DOD, Mujica Torturous Release Process The Senate Intelligence Committee will release a top-secret report about the CIA today. Or will it? The report is supposed to tell us whether the CIA violated US and international law by torturing people, which violates US and international law. On Friday, however, Secretary of State John Kerry called the lead senator on this issue, Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) and asked her to hold off on releasing the report "because a lot is going on in the world," as one source explained to Bloomberg News. Kerry argued that US personnel and facilities could be in harm's way if the world knew the fucked up shit we did because we were terrorized by terrorism. Which, who saw that coming? Feinstein and Kerry have been discussing what geopolitical conditions would be safest for releasing the report. Among the possible criteria: • Stepped-up security at US embassies and consulates; • Easing of Israeli-Palestinian tensions; • Not "a lot" going on in the world; • Total world peace; • No more Google Glass; • Universal access to personal jetpacks and hoverboards. more: Bloomberg, Intercept, Politico |
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A Fucking Exclusive! Five Things To Know About the Torture Report The Fucking News has been given access to the still-secret Senate report on how torture was used against terrorism suspects after it was authorized at the highest levels of the Bush White House. Among the report's findings: 1. Prisoners were sexually demeaned by being forced to imagine having sex with Dick Cheney. 2. Secretary of State John Kerry urged the Senate Intelligence Committee to delay releasing the report until sweeps week and to add a "wacky next-door neighbor." 3. The US intelligence community is bracing for the likelihood the report will incite violence abroad and widespread apathy here at home. 4. CIA interrogators were urged to continue torturing suspects even after concluding that no more information could be gleaned, and well after their only working gleaning machine was scheduled for an overhaul at the shop. 5. George Bush is currently using pastels and a light gouache underpainting to depict please god anything but the thoughts he keeps having whenever he closes his eyes. |
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Politics Deep Shit With the loss of Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) in a runoff election Saturday, the deep south lost its last Democratic senator. Republicans had already secured control of the Senate when the new Congress is seated in January. Landrieu's loss, however, gave the Republicans a total sweep in the deep south. She was also the last woman holding statewide office in Louisiana. Republican voters throughout the tropical wasteland celebrated these milestones with parties paid for with food stamps and then sought treatment at local emergency rooms for alcohol poisoning, malnutrition, diabetes, breathtaking tooth decay and second-degree burns caused by their flaming tap water. more: Guardian, ThinkProg |
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Justice Racial Justice? Wanna BET? In an interview airing on BET tonight, President Obama identified two reasons he believes America can improve the ways black people are treated by law enforcement. First, he said, is that the nation's progress on civil rights over the decades has been real. Second is that progress comes in increments, and so persistence pays off. Excerpts of Obama's interview were released yesterday, as members of the St. Louis Rams took the field with the words "I Can't Breathe" on their clothes. The phrase was intended to show solidarity after last week's decision by a grand jury not to indict the police officer whose chokehold led to the death of Eric Garner, an unarmed black man. The Rams one week ago showed solidarity with Michael Brown, the unarmed black teen killed by a white cop in Ferguson, MO, by entering the game with the "hands up, don't shoot gesture." The Rams proved victorious yesterday, not in eliminating racism, but in notching up a 24-0 victory over...wait for it...the Redskins. more: Hill, AP |
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Money At least a dozen state attorneys general are working together with little fanfare--secretly, almost!--on your health and energy needs, the New York Times reported yesterday. Specifically, they've formed a secret partnership with big energy companies like Devon Energy of Oklahoma to reduce the amount of air pollution they cause by drilling wells. [Correction: They've been working together to reduce the amount of air pollution the government says they cause by drilling wells.] The Times even found that Oklahoma's Attorney General Scott Pruitt submitted a letter to the Environmental Protection Agency without revealing that the letter had been written almost entirely by Devon Energy. In a written statement we wish he had issued, Pruitt's office said, "Letting Devon Energy write our letters for us saves the taxpayers a lot of money and hey Pruitt when you issue this statement remember not to change a thing--except to take out this part, of course. Ha! See you tonight at Applebee's." more: NYTimes |
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photo courtesy of the internet somewhere In Cleveland last month, a black 12-YEAR-OLD who MIGHT have been reaching for a TOY gun was shot dead by a white cop who said the kid looked twenty. Which in white years makes Dante about 43 years old, packing heat and high on Kools laced with angel dust.. more: Mediaite, WaPo |
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Your Daily Fuck Yeah Black Market We got new details over the weekend about Friday's job numbers. If you missed Friday's news, the US economy added 321,000 jobs last month--improving on a long-running streak of job growth. Now it turns out that 29,000 of those jobs were in health care. You may remember that Republicans promised ObamaCare would kill people and then their jobs. Despite that promise, Obama's death panels failed miserably, actually saving 50,000 people. Now it turns out ObamaCare has also failed to stop the creation of 261,000 health-care jobs over the past 12 months. ObamaCare and broken promises. Fuck yeah. more: Forbes, McClatchy |
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Word of the Fucking Day ashton ash'•tuhn (noun) 1. First name of President Obama's nominee to be the new Secretary of Defense. 2. Unit of weight, especially for burnt particulate matter. Ex.: "Man, if we had bombed Kim Jung Il for developing nuclear weapons like the nominee wanted, North Korea would've buried the planet under at least twelve ASHTONS of nuclear fucking fallout." |
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