- Context and Analysis of all the Latest Bullshit - vented every weekday by veterans of "The Daily Show" and "Countdown w/ Keith Olbermann" |
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A Special Note to Our Readers Yesterday's newsletter was our first. Which means in just 24 hours our readership has increased by a factor of infinity. So, thank you, dear newsfucker, for becoming part of the infinite. What comes now? We want to keep that growth rate growing. And we need your help to continue expanding by a factor of infinity every day. Because that's mathematically impossible. So check us out on Facebook, tell us how we're doing and let all your closest alpha-user thought-influencer friends know about us! They can subscribe here. Thank you. Love, The F Team |
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Dec. 9, 2014 Today's Forecast The nor’easter we forecast to hit the nor’east yesterday hit the nor’east this morning instead. Close enough. |
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Your Daily Fucking Planner All times EST, even if something's ever happening in the heartland 9:30am – Testimony to House committee by controversial economist Jonathan Gruber, summoned to explain why ObamaCare doesn't cover foot-in-mouth disease. 10am – Sens. Claire McCaskill and Kirsten Gillibrand testify about campus sexual assault before a Senate Judiciary panel widely expected to check out their legs. 10 am – Oral arguments in Supreme Court case Gelboim v. Bank of America et al., in which “Bank of America” is a proxy for “every shit-muffin on Wall Street” and “Gelboim” is a proxy for "those affected when Wall Street rigged interest rates." In other words, a class-action suit in which the class is an entire species. 11am – Oral arguments in Supreme Court case Alabama Dept. of Revenue v. CSX Transportation, in which anti-tax Gov. Robert Bentley (R-AL) fights all the way to the Supreme fucking Court so he can keep taxing an entire industry. Godspeed, Democratic and Tea Party oppo teams of tomorrow! Better late than never – Senate Intelligence Committee expected (again) to release its report (maybe!) on CIA torture without actually using the word “torture”. (see Today's BFD) ----------------------------------------------------------------- |
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Today's BFD The Senate Intelligence Committee’s long-awaited 6,000-page report on CIA torture authorized by the Bush White House is expected to be released today. Well, the 480-page executive summary is expected to be released today. Okay, the parts of the executive summary that haven’t been redacted (like the word "torture") are expected to be released today. Let's start over. As much as 8% of the Senate Intelligence Committee’s unredacted full torture report is expected to be released today! What we can expect: The CIA tortured dozens of murderous shitheads, suspected shitheads and alleged shitheads who were called shitheads by other alleged shitheads angling for tasty shithead-bounties offered by CIA shitheads. You can also expect to find out that the CIA lied about torture, and then lied about lying about it. And then lied about illegaly spying on the Senate for investigating them for lying about lying about it…according to another report by the CIA’s own Inspector Fucking General! Who was then accused of lying. [Ed. note: previous tortured sentence actually fucking true.] As former President George W. Bush put it on Sunday, “These are patriots.” The Fucking News learned late last night, however, that Bush forgot to single out for praise the still-unnamed CIA patriot who stripped Gul Rahman naked to his waist and left him shackled to a wall in a 36-degree Afghanistan prison cell where he froze to death. “Whatever the report says," Bush explained, "if it diminishes their contributions to our country [including the hero who turned Rul Gahman into a Talibancicle], it is way off base." He then resumed putting the finishing touches on his latest watercolor, Reclining Nude of Dad, Resplendent On a Bed of Daffodils and Surrealistic, Flesh-Colored Sequins. On CNN this past Sunday, House Intelligence Chairman Mike Rogers (R-MI) argued that the report should not be released, to avoid provoking retaliation. “We did nothing wrong, and if anyone finds out, they’ll kill us,” we wish he said. Rogers then went home and discovered his kid had lied about some shit to avoid provoking retaliation. Several former CIA officers launched a website today called CIASavedLives.com, to push back against the report and force milk out of people's noses when they read that URL over breakfast. Former CIA Director Michael Hayden explained, really serious-like, "We're not here to defend torture, we're here to defend history." Reached for comment, history said, “Doing just fine on my own, thanks, so maybe shut your lying waterboardhole, you torturing fuckstick.” more: WaPo, BBC, New Yorker, NY Times |
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Money Remember how House Republicans were supposed to unveil their spending bill last night? The one to prevent another government shutdown happening two days from now? It was late. It was late because some members of both parties wanted to throw shit into the bill that had nothing to do with government spending. Among the shit they're trying to slip across the president's desk: • Ditching a rule requiring truck drivers to take a 36-hour break once every seven days; • Suspending a regulation requiring school lunches to have more fruit, vegetables and whole grain, and instead letting schools give kids more sodium, sugar, fat and diabetes; • Loosening up on Wall Street because, hey, haven't they suffered enough? You know: Free market! • Using your tax dollars to protect insurance companies from having to pay too much in claims for terrorism; in other words, after you pay the insurance company to insure you against terrorism, you'll also pay them your tax dollars to pay you your claim. You know: Free market! more: AP, The Hill |
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Furriners A new Unicef report concludes that this year is an epically shitty year to be a kid. Outside rich countries, that is. Yesterday’s report estimated that 230 million children live in areas of violent conflict, primarily in the Middle East and Africa. In the US, House Republicans introduced a bill to assist the children by giving tax breaks to job creators. more: NY Times |
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Politics Democratic Party The New York Times reported yesterday that the Republican presidential primary season is just about over, with the GOP field narrowed to just four candidates. The Times says wealthy Republican donors have agreed to clear the field before all that voting and campaigning and forgetting shit on stage shit starts up again jesus fucking christ. The plan, the paper says, is to settle on one establishment candidate to take on whichever loony tune du jour emerges from the primordial Tea Party ooze. The three establishment candidates they will choose from are former Gov. Jeb Bush (R-FL), Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ) and Mitt Romney, who apparently ran for president. Another goal of the plan: To save donors all that cheddar they blow hedging bets on the entire field of losers. Several insanely rich Republican kingmakers told The Times they didn’t spend millions of dollars legalizing campaign expenditures of millions of dollars just to spend millions of dollars on campaign expenditures. In a statement, the Tea Party responded, saying, “We look forward to sending our grassroots, anti-Wall Street voters to the polls to support whichever establishment candidate our billionaires tell us to. Fuck Obama.” more: NY Times |
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Justice The mother of 12-year-old Tamir Rice, the black child shot dead last month by a white police officer in Cleveland, spoke out publicly yesterday not just to criticize the police shooting, but also to express her gratitude for how police treated her grieving family afterward. Appearing on ABC’s morning news program, Good Morning White America, Samaria Rice said that her 14-year-old daughter arrived on the scene shortly after the shooting and became so distraught that police hugged her, let her ride in a police car and held her hand. [Correction: Earlier today, The Fucking News reported that police hugged Tamir Rice’s sister, let her ride in a police car and held her hand. In fact, police tackled the girl and threw her into the back of their police car in handcuffs. The Fucking News regrets the error, as well as 400 years of this shit. - Ed.] more: HuffPo |
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Health A new study has found that drinking from cans lined with BPA can raise people's blood pressure, and not just because they know they're drinking from cans lined with BPA. But the health problems may be even worse than the study found. The Fucking News has obtained a secret, internal industry study identifying multiple additional health risks: • BPA can cause developmental problems in children, specifically the part where they develop into adults. • BPA is linked to a variety of ills, including Kim Jong. • BPA is associated with a variety of behavioral problems, including lying to consumers and willingly creating a national health disaster. • BPA is commonly sprinkled on dental dams to keep them from sticking to cash register receipts. HUH? • Last year when the U.S. Food and Drug Administration said BPA was safe to eat, it was because half their brains had been eaten by BPA. • The best way to limit BPA consumption is to have your ass rocketed to Pluto. • And last, but not least, BPA may cause "CAN-cer." more: Reuters |
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Your Daily Fuck Yeah All that horseshit we just told you both parties (okay, mainly Republicans) are snorkeling into the spending bill? Well, one early contender didn't make the cut. And it was a doozy. From a Democrat, too. The plan was to slash $303 million from Pell grants, which help lower-income kids go to college, and shift those funds to...wait for it...seriously, the suspense is worth it on this one...the student-loan companies that collect the money from debtor students. The plan's goal was to ensure the money isn't wasted on giving poor kids even a slim shot at upward mobility. The plan came from Sen. Tom Harkin (D-IA), whose office didn't respond to a request for comment from the Huffington Post and definitely didn't respond to a fake request for made-up comment from The Fucking News. "What can I say," Harkin told us in a dream, "sometimes I suck ass." As of last night, it was not clear why the provision did not make it into the spending bill. Either way...depriving student-loan vultures of $303 million? Well done. Using it for low-income college kids instead? Fuck yeah. more: HuffPo |
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Word of the Fucking Day torture torch'•uhr (verb) 1. To cause someone intense, sustained discomfort or pain to the point of physical or psychological trauma. 2. What one must do to one's brain to convince oneself that one's fear of death and failure make it okay for one to order one's subordinates to adopt methods forsworn by every American president before one even when the home one now lives in was actually burned down by an overwhelming enemy army during the War of 18Fucking12. Ex.: "Former President Bush called American torturers 'patriots' on Sunday as a result of subjecting his brain to several years of guilt-ridden TORTURE." |
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